Jag dog igår. 1/1 - S.
Alicia minns inte mycket av vad som hände, och hon tycker att det är skönt. Hon kan låtsas som att det var en mardröm, låtsas att det aldrig hände. Men Alicias kropp vet att det hände, för underlivet blöder trots att hon inte har mens, och det känns som en kniv i underlivet. Alicia har spenderat dagen över toalettstolen, hukandes, kräkandes, gråtandes. Hennes mamma frågar hur hon mår, Alicia säger bra, men att hon är magsjuk. Alicia är inte magsjuk, hon känner sig snarare trasig. Helt söndertrasad. Hon håller för öronen med händerna, biter sig i läppen så hårt att det börjar blöda.
"Ska jag berätta?" undrar Alicia, men hon vet inte vad hon ska berätta. Hon vet inte vad som hände, om det faktiskt hände. Och sen finns det det där mörka, svarta, iskalla inom henne. Den där skammen över att hon får skylla sig själv, att det här var hennes fel. Hon kräks igen. Släpper ut ett kvävt läte som skulle vara ett skrik. Slår huvudet i golvet. Mamman knackar på dörren igen, säger hysteriskt åt Alicia att öppna dörren. Alicia svarar inte. Hon tänker att hon aldrig ska prata igen. Att det inte tjänar något till.
Teet på Alicias skrivbord håller på att svalna, men Alicia orkar inte resa sig ur sängen för att hämta det. Hon hur sin mamma gråta på nedervåningen, och sin pappa prata ilsket med polisen i telefonen. Men Alicia orkar inte höra, inte känna eller vara Alicia mycket mer, så hon vänder sig mot väggen i sängen och försöker somna. Hon sluter ögonen och allt händer igen. Slagen. Kniven. Smärtan i underlivet. Lukten av blöt skog. Hon skriker, men Alicia vet inte att hon skriker längre. Hon slåss mot Honom, men vet inte att det är hennes pappa som sprungit upp till Alicia som hon slåss mot. Alicia är tillbaka igen. Hon slåss igen. Hon förlorar igen. Alicia slutar kämpa emot, och öppnar ögonen. Ser sin pappas söndergråtna och röda ansikte. Ser sin pappas läppar röra sig, hör honom prata. Men Alicia kan inte förstå språket, Alicia kan inte känna sin pappas armar runt hennes blåslagna kropp. Hon tittar ut genom fönstret, på den blåa himmelen och tror sig se sig själv sitta på ett moln och vinka.
Hon tror sig ha sovit när hon vaknar till av att mamman tappar en bok i golvet. Alicia springer upp ur sängen, och bara springer. Nedför trappan. Genom hallen. Ut ur huset. Hon känner att hon blir jagad, och hon vet att hon måste springa snabbare. Annars kommer han ikapp. Hon springer ut från tomten samtidigt som en polisbil svänger in. Alicia tror sig höra sina föräldrars skrik i bakgrunden, men Alicia bara springer. Hon springer till skogen hon lekte i som barn. Helt plötsligt ramlar hon, och smärtan skriker från hennes haka, knä och armar.
"Det här är inte min skog, inte mina kläder, inte min smärta. Det här är inte jag längre" säger hon rakt ut, och bara skogen hör. Alicia tänker att hon vill dö där och då, i skogen som en gång var hennes. I kroppen som hon tilldelades, men blev stulen av en annan. Hon vänder på rygg och ser alla de tajta trädkronorna som bara släpper in lite av den mörknande sommar himmelen. "Jag tror jag dör nu, för jag känner ingenting", tänker hon. Alicia rör sig på ansiktet, på magen, på handen. Mycket riktigt. Hon känner ingenting. Och hon undrar om hon kanske redan dött.
Kvinnan som hittar Alicia är blå, och Alicia vet att det är poliskvinnan som svängde in på hennes tomt. Men Alicia kan inte riktigt förstå mer än att kvinnan är blå. Det stressar Alicia, hon gillar inte hur kvinnan har lagt händerna på Alicias armar, gillar inte hur någon annan än himmelen klär sig i blått. Kvinnan pratar med henne, men Alicia kan inte förmå sig att svara. Alicia känner sig trött, men när hon försöker sluta ögonen höjer kvinnan rösten så Alicia väljer att bara kolla på kvinnans ansikte. Hon har ett snällt ansikte, men starka händer. Alicia hör kvinnan säga "har någon gjort dig illa, lilla vän?" Och Alicia vet inte om det är ambulanspersonalen som kliver på en gren eller om det är något inuti henne som går sönder, men Alicia börjar gråta och mellan all panik och alla skrik, viskar hon ja.
Allt detta berättande, alla dessa tårar från hennes föräldrars ögon. Alicia orkar inte med det. Det slutar med att Alicia sa att hon ljög, och reser sig från förhörsrummet och bara går. De försöker stoppa henne, men Alicia har blivit arg. Hon är arg på att de inte tror henne, på att hon måste berätta igen och igen. Hon är arg på att hennes föräldrar gråter, när Alicia inte kunnat gråta sedan en månad sen då poliskvinnan hittade henne i skogen. Alicia är traumatiserad och mycket skör just nu, har läkaren sagt för några dagar sedan. Han sa det som att hon inte var där i rummet, som att hon var för dum för att förstå. Men Alicia förstår. Och hon är arg. Hon ville berätta för läkaren att hon inte är traumatiserad eller mycket skör, hon är bara ihålig, trasig. Död. Hon ville be honom dödförklara henne. Ville säga till polisen att våldtäkt var inte vad som skedde, ville säga att hon blev mördad. För det blev hon. Och nu är Alicia inte Alicia längre, bara ett spöke som ser ut som Alicia. Och hon vill inte vara ett spöke längre, för även spöken känner sorg. Känner den där smärtan i underlivet, som läkaren sa bara satt i hennes huvud. Allt detta berättande, alla dessa tårar. Alicia orkar inte med det. Hon tänker att kanske vore det bäst att bli påkörd av en bil, nu när hon ska gå över vägen. Men hon kommer över tryggt och Alicia tänker att det får bli på nästa övergångsställe. Men en polisbil stannar till, och frågar om hon är Alicia. "Nej, Alicia är död", säger hon. Poliserna, en man och en kvinna, fortsätter prata med henne och hon stiger in i bilen bara för att få dom att vara tysta. Dom kör henne till barn och ungdomspsykiatrin, och Alicia får ett rum på en avdelning. Hon lägger sig i sängen och kollar bara in i väggen, och tänker inte på någonting.
Alicia fick höra att skriva ned vad som hänt och hur hon kände skulle vara bra, så hon försökte. Men det slutar bara med att hon blir arg och skriker. Hon orkar inte tänka på det. Hon orkar inte skriva. Allt hon orkar skriva är samma sak om och om igen.
Jag dog igår. Fast det var inte igår. Men det känns som det. Och jag är fortfarande död. Han mördade mig, men får inget straff. Finns inga bevis. Bara en död flicka. Det räcker inte. Jag räcker inte. Jag är död.
Någonting av något
Tears of June - S.
“It’s 6th June today”, I thought numbly. The numbness had started in my feet and had spread throughout my body. I stood still for God knows how long, but something, a sound of a sort, made me snap out of it. I picked up my bags and went to a bench ahead of me and sat down. There was so many people walking past me, some walked with a hurried pace, as had they forgotten the lasagna in the oven, and others seemed like they knew they had decades and decades left to live. Some were fat, others thin, some were pretty and others were vain. But they were all going somewhere, and I was just sitting there, on a bench in Bromma city. I looked towards the sun. I felt like it was mocking my blue mood.
“How can you?” I asked quietly, feeling betrayed. “We had a pact, you and I, and you broke it.” I knew it was not true, not entirely, anyway. I knew I had broken the pact as much as the sun had. We had forgotten. My gaze became blurry.
“It’s 6th June today, and we forgot,” my tears started falling, “I’m so sorry.” I could not describe the shame I felt because I forgot. This was the day, not the day that it happened, but the day where it had gone half a year since the day. I should have been at the graveyard, begging for forgiveness, telling a grey tombstone about everything that had changed since he passed away. But I had forgotten.
“I’m so sorry, brother. I don’t know how I could forget.” And I really didn’t. When my brother died I thought I would never be able to function normal again. I mean, how could I? My brother was dead. Our family was missing a piece. My brother was missing from me. So the sun and I had made a pact during my brother´s funeral. We would never forget him, and never act like we used to before. I lit a cigarette, still sitting on the bench with the sun slowly moving towards other destinations. And I understood. This was it. This was what everybody had spoken about. This was called coping, and moving on. I felt the shame wash away, because I knew this is what my brother wanted me to do. Move on. So I rose from the bench, picked up my bags, and began making my way home.
“Tomorrow I will go to your grave”, I thought, “and I will tell you about everything I have done since you passed away.” I felt light, like a feather, because now I knew that I did not have to be ashamed of living. I knew this is what my brother wanted, and I had learned that moving on does not mean that I love him any less. This is just the way of life. I no longer felt like my brother was a part missing from me, because I knew he was safely tucked away in my heart.
The Bull and his She-wolf
He saw her running in front him, others kept getting in his way, slowing him down. They chased her just like he did, but they were yelling, threatening her. All he wanted to do, was to reach her, to fight beside and protect her. He couldn't see her anymore. All men were in his way to her, they were shouting and screaming. He pushed his way through, fighting like a mad king, He was exhausted, he couldn't feel his limbs, but he kept fighting, only acknowledge his rage and fury. He noticed the crowd scatter around him and suddenly he reached to her, only it wasn't her, her head laid on the ground, her beautiful hair all around her splattered with blood, her body tossed around the crowd. He screamed for everything in his lungs, he screamed out his rage and his sorrow, he screamed for the love he never had and never would have neither. The crowd laughed at him and something were tossed in his way, he caught it out of reflex. He met her steel grey eyes, the eyes of the north, only they were blazed with death. He throw it away, screaming and pushing through the laughing and mocking crowd.
Gendry woke up from his nightmare, shaking vigorously all covered in sweat and his breath caught in his throat, and tears streaming down his face. It had been six years and yet he dreamed of her and he couldn’t stop the guilt that washed over him, never had he stopped caring for her, never had he stopped blaming himself for choosing the knighthood before her.
He remembered her from his time they were supposed to go to the wall and join the night's watch, though there were complications on the road, they were captured and brought to Harrenhall and survived, and they were captured by the brotherhood without banners and kind of survived, Arya who ran away and Gendry being knighted. It had been six years since Arya ran away, and Gendry soon after became a knight to the king in the north, Rickon Stark. Although Gendry was a knight, he didn't feel like one and Rickon had given him the forge and job as the blacksmith in Winterfell. Just the way Gendry wanted it. He remembered her as a boyish girl, pretending to be a boy to travel to the wall, she was annoying as hell, and he had protected her when Hot Pie and Lommey were bullying her so she stayed close to him because they were afraid of him.
She was the most stubborn girl he'd ever met, she was a pain in the ass and yet he felt a protectiveness over her. He have helped her and even if he didn't like all of her ideas and adventures, he followed, he had overheard some of the brotherhood one night and they said, "It's weird, wherever Arya goes, Gendry follows, but yet she is gone and he is here. You can't have missed the affection between them..." His heart ached, he wanted to go after her, he wanted to search after her and suddenly he understood why King Robert had started a war for his Lyanna. But yet, Gendry was now in his twenties and Arya should be around fifteen now. Maybe something could happen if he ever saw her again. It wasn't possible when she was nine years and he was around the age Arya was in now.
The dawn was nearing and Gendry put on his clothes and went to the forge. He remembered in Harrenhall when Arya used to sit on a barrel and chew on some food she'd found, she used to watch him work quiet as a shadow but suddenly she would comment something, mostly something annoying.
He woke the fire up and fetched the tools he needed to continue with the breastplate he was working on yesterday. He heard the usual sounds when the town started their day, he watched the children laugh and running away from their parents and their commands and demanding calls.
He felt a sting in his heart, maybe he wanted small toddles running around him maybe he wanted a woman to love him, no correctly thinking he wanted Arya to love him and their small toddles running around him. He was so frustrated with his feelings, everything he heard, that she became a whore, and the next rumor said that she was dead, murdered coldblooded at the Red Wedding. She was married to the bastard of Roose Bolton, and then she was dead, but one thing he knew for sure, she would rather be dead than to be married to a man she never wanted, and in his unconsciousness he felt in his heart that she was alive, somewhere in the world.
The sound of shouting and hooves made him look up. A slender girl rode in to the castle yard, with her small army behind her, her long brown hair braided to the waist, her body covered in boy clothing with feminine details, a suiting sword at her hip, her face were barely recognizable but then he saw her and he would recognize her everywhere, it was something in her eyes, those steel gray eyes, the eyes of the north, the eyes of the she-wolf. She had grown into a woman’s body now. He watched her in a distance, saw her giving orders, the king in the North, her younger brother Rickon greeted her welcome and showed her the way in to her former home Winterfell. He watched her smile, the smile he had missed for years, but something had changed, she was an adult now, he could see it in her smile and in her eyes, the way they blurred sometimes and sooner rather than later they were covered up, showing off no emotions. As his eyes focused again after his thoughts he saw that she had disappeared into the castle probably. He let out a sigh and hammered out his frustration on the breastplate, angrier and more frustrated in his feelings than ever, he did not understand what he felt.
"Stupid, the breastplate means no harm." He swung around faster than ever, ready the attack the owner of the voice, with his hammer, but she was faster, dodging his blow and a second after she had a dagger at his throat. He stilled his actions and then his brain registered the voice, a voice that had never spoken in many years, that had not ringed in his ears for long but now he heard that voice again. He felt her breasts pressing against his back, she was still a lot shorter than him, and he had his strength on his side but she was a lot faster and lither than him. She would probably best him anyway, like she did when they were younger, although he would let her win at the time but now? No he would probably lose even if he tried his best. He lowered his hammer and she took the dagger away. She jumped up at a barrel, and he faced her, leaning against the anvil, he was embarrassed, and what would she think of him? What would she say? What would she think was right or wrong with how they left things? He got a feeling he wouldn't have to wait for long.
"You left me!" She blurted out, anger and hurt flaring in her gray eyes, he looked into those and let his own guard down to show every emotion he felt since she left. It would be easier if she saw everything, he saw that she was taken aback from everything she saw in his eyes. "I would never leave you, I was taken prisoner by the red mistress and before I could come back, you had ran away." He tried to steady his own voice, while he saw sadness flicker through her eyes as fast as a lightning, he may have thought he had imagined it. "Where have you been ser Gendry?" he felt a pang in his chest when she spoke his title with such disgust, he could almost taste it. "After my return I became a knight to your brother Lord Rickon, and then I am just here, in the forge creating weapons and armorers to everyone who needs it, what about you m'lady?" Before he could breathe another breath he felt her small body against his, she shoved him with such a force that he fell over the anvil. She pinned him to the ground, showing anger clearly in her beautiful face. "DO NOT CALL ME 'M'LADY´" He smiled at her then, because there was the girl he remembered. "Stupid." She punched him in the stomach and he couldn't hold the laughter inside, he laughed and it felt wonderful to laugh with such an ease again. A growl made him stop and look up, a giant big direwolf stood over him, baring its teeth. He remembered Arya telling him about her wolf Nymeria. "I believe you two found each other again." Arya rose and patted Nymeria’s head who sat beside her lady. Gendry pulled himself up into a sitting position and just drank her in with his eyes. "I went to Braavos, I became Cat of the Canals, a faceless man, No One, an assassin, everything and nothing. I have learned to kill, and now I'm back to help my brother who apparently is the king in the North." All anger had left her voice, leaving it to sound tired and hopeless. She turned on her heel and leaving him on the forge floor, and he didn't see her more that day, until supper. He ate with the other knights on one side of the long table and the lords and ladies of Stark on the other end, Sansa, Arya, Rickon and Jon. Jon was the lord commander on the wall, but for now, he was their beloved brother. They were pressing Arya with questions were she had been and what she had done, and she told them the exact same thing she had told him.
"You have killed?!" Sansa’s high-pitched voice reached his ears, he could tell that Arya were rolling her eyes at her sister and their brothers trying to hold their laughter inside, their trying’s being a complete waste as their laughter rang through the great hall.
"I have killed to survive!" Arya said loudly. Sansa nodded in somewhat an understanding.
"I know, I'm sorry, I've missed you little sis, I thought you were dead a long time ago." Arya rose from the table and said: "How could you think I was dead when Gendry could feel I wasn't dead?! My own family doesn’t even know me half as well as he does... If you may excuse me." Gendry's heart skipped a beat when he heard his name with her voice. But the way she spoke it sent chills down his spine. Suddenly all the stark eyes were on him except those especially gray eyes, and he cleared his throat, feeling very uncomfortable in his own clothes. Arya had left the room, leaving for her chambers. Later that evening when he were making the nightly routines in the forge he heard a low growl and the first thing he saw was the white direwolf. Jon stepped out of the shadows and Ghost were trotting into the forest. Gendry nodded to him, saying "my lord." Jon started pacing across the floor and Gendry waited. "She just makes me so frustrated sometimes, it's like I doesn’t even know my favorite sister anymore. Why is it that she rather come talks to you rather than us? What happened when you met her?" Gendry stopped in his tracks, he gestured to the back of the forge making Jon take a seat. He started to explain his point of view from the moment he'd met her. After he had talked to Jon he made it for his own chamber in the castle, now because he was a knight and a close friend to the lords and ladies of house Stark, he got a big chamber of his own, and doesn’t need to sleep in a cot in the back of the forge. He had chosen to live his knighted life with no servants, trying to keep it as simple as possible, he knew how it felt to be the lowest in the food chain (basically) being a bastardborn in flea bottom doesn’t make your life easy, but being a bastardborn blacksmith apprentice made it a bit easier, he got food in his belly every day and never had to sleep hungry. He put his clothes on a chair and laid down on his bed, feeling the soft sheets against his naked skin, and he wondered how he could have made it this far. Somewhere in his thoughts he drifted off to sleep.
Arya couldn't sleep that night, being in her childhood's chambers, laying in the same bed, she played the day's events over and over in her head, she had been reunited with her family after six long years, she had met her stupid bull-headed boy again, she knew very well she wasn't the same person she was when she left king's landing she never wanted to be that stupid, naive and defenseless girl. She thought she could kill everyone on her list, she knew it would be struggle but she was too young to realize exactly how much struggle it would mean. When she went to Braavos she had learned to kill, she had learned more water dancing, and she had learned to wear a new face, not letting her past showing in her face. She wondered if he still would like to be in her pack, he belonged with her, there was something unspoken between them, he was hers and she belonged to him as much as he belonged to her. Still she was mad at him, he hadn't been looking for her, and she was mad at herself for not go out searching for him when the red priestess came for him. But she couldn't help that she had been captured by the hound, and being willing to reunite with her family just as he had promised, back then she was so naive and actually believed he spoke the truth, and in some wicked way, he had, but the complications like the red wedding, and their fight with Brienne and the boy whatever his name was, later she had went to make a ship take her back to Winterfell but they refused and she had followed the ship to Bravoos. But not once, during the six years abroad, she had forgotten his name, she hadn't forgotten her list and the names on it, and now she was back where she had started, being swifter and stronger than ever, ready to finish her list. She started to mumble her list again, "Cersei, Illyn Payne, The Mountain, Walter Frey..." Somewhere she felled into a restless sleep.
Gendry woke up, taking bread and a cup of water on his way to the forge the dawn rising beyond the hills and fields of Winterfell. A light snowfall kept falling through the dawn, suddenly he saw light footsteps, so light he barely could make it out in the snow. He followed them, wondering who it might be, but in his heart he knew only one person being so light weighted, and he felt more sure when he saw the print of paws beside the footsteps, bigger than the footsteps itself. He followed the track into the Godswood, and he found her surveying the area under the Godtree, the small lake still being blue, it wasn't cold enough for the water to freeze, not just yet. "Why are you here?" He stopped dead in his tracks, thought he could sneak up on her, feeling stupid for even thinking the thought, He didn't know why he was here, he had only followed the tracks, or not only, he had wanted to see her, he had wanted to feel the lightness in his chest, like he had felt when they were travelling together, though they were far away from safety, and had a dangerous journey ahead of them he had felt safe with her beside him, knowing he had an honorable duty to protect her, the duty belonged to himself, feeling he was honorable and she needed his help.
"You know you are staring stupid." She turned around to face him, and Nymeria trotted towards him her head almost reached his shoulder. He shook his head, "I'm sorry m'lady." She lunged at him and Nymeria left him to his miserable destiny, she pinned him to the ground, "Do not call me my lady." A frown in her face appeared when she felt his muscles beneath her, struggling to make it out of her grasp. He steeled his body and used his muscles to shift them, though she was fighting, he knocked her off him and stood up, his breath ragged. When he looked up she was nowhere in sight, A sudden weight leaped upon his back, he didn't even stumble over the extra weight which made her growl in frustration. She brought his arm back until he felt a sharp pain in it. "Yield?" He felt a smile tugging at his lips. "Never." She pulled his arm further back and he grunted, feeling the pain sharpen. He reached to her legs with his free arm, starting to bend away her legs around his waist. He felt the slippery root beneath his feet but it was too late, he felt the loss of balance with the extra weight on his back before they were sent stumbling to the ground, still wrestling. She laid beneath him and he saw her face for real for the first time in six years, he say how her hair were plastered to her forehead in sweat, her pale skin covered in small freckles, her big steel gray eyes, showed a depth he had never seen before, the eyes were framed with dark thick eyelashes, he saw her eyes falling on his lips and his falling on hers, he lowered his head to kiss her. It was all she needed to wrestle out of his grip, shifting their positions so she had a dagger at his throat... Again. "Now you are a dead boy." he smiled up at her, and he saw a small smile tugging at her lips too. "Try not to enjoy yourself too much." She slapped him across his face for his rude comment his face fell to the side, and he laughed out loud, and meeting her gray eyes. He saw her cheeks covered in a light shade of red, and he had never seen anything more beautiful than her, on top of him, with the light gray sky above them. He saw her breasts, he remembered when he had first noticed the tiny tops on her chest when they were travelling, now they were a hand full, at least, but still fitting with her slender body, back then she was just a girl with skin and bones, but now she had received muscles on her slender limbs, and had grown hips and breasts worthy of a lady. He noticed she wasn't wearing a dress like any other lady would, she wore breeches and tunic under her cloak. Gendry felt the snow seeping through his clothes, feeling desperate to get up, but didn't want to ruin the moment. He promised himself to never forget the image of her face, or the feeling he felt in his heart when they wrestled. He wriggled underneath her and she scrambled up, if he didn't know better he would think she had been embarrassed of sitting on his hips for so long. "Sorry m'lady, it was getting wet." Her face turned bright red at his words and she pushed him onto the ground once more, he laid there laughing his heart out at the sight of her. She stomped out of the woods as the sun were rising on the sky. Nymeria came running past him, stopping and glared at him, a low growl in her throat, cutting his laugh short.
Back in the forge he had a lot of work waiting for him, the rebuilding of Winterfell didn't help itself, it was a lot of locks and keys, and more hinges than he could count to be made. His hands were full for the rest of the day and though his muscles were used to the hard work all day long, he felt exhausted in his mind and body. The sun was setting in the west. Gendry felt her presence in the forge, he had just finished the hinges for today and were starting to wrap up the work.
"You know, you shouldn't sneak up on people who are bigger than you, you might get hurt." He said before she could come up with something better to say. He remembered the day he had said something similar many years ago. You know you shouldn't insult people who are bigger than you. And her response back then had been then I don't get to insult anyone. He heard her hesitate for a moment, taken aback by his feisty comment. "I have grown a few inches since the last time, I'm not that small anymore." He smiled at her response but never would he let her see it, he turned around, standing at his full height, her head barely reaching up to his chest. Nymeria was higher than her he thought, he knew that Arya would have been offended, though it was a matter of fact. One more step from his side made them stand just a few inches apart, she felt so small standing before him, but she met his stare, never cowering. "I have missed your sharp tongue, it hasn't been the same here since... ”Since we parted. He remembered his promise to her, he would always be with her. It was you and me against the world. There wasn't a day he regretted the day they had been parted. The comment were meant to be somewhat feisty and sarcastic but it had turned out to create an awkward situation. "You know, I have missed you too, your stupid bull-headed boy.” He had become really fond of that nickname she used on him. He felt his heart sink in his chest as he realized, she really was a highborn lady, not just a lady, she was the princess in the north, and he was just a bastardboy. Nothing, absolutely nothing could ever happen between them. "You know I am just a bastard, not worthy m'lady's attention." His head bowed in sorrow, and he felt the anger radiating from her body, making him want to take a step back. "Since when do you think I'm doing anything I should do?! I'm doing exactly whatever I want, it doesn’t matter who I am or what blood that runs through my veins, I'm still Arya Stark, and that will never change." She didn't notice the slip on her tongue, but he did. "That is what I am saying, you will always be Arya Stark, the princess in the north, the lost wolf who had returned to Winterfell.” He made sure that she would notice her mistake and she did, her breath catching in her throat. Her eyes flickered with emotions, not ever, since she had returned, he had seen true emotions in her eyes, until now. "I will never be a proper lady, I won't wed a man if I don't want to, I won't carry any children into this world, I won't be sewing and sing any songs. I will be me, the song I will sing is the song of Death, when Justice slices through muscles, organs, life itself, then you will hear my song. I won't be a proper lady." She said everything in a deadly low voice filled with sadness before she left the forge.
He stand frozen in place, stunned by what she had said, he didn’t know how long he had stand there until he heard a movement in the opening to the forge, a solider standing there, looking slightly uncomfortable. “The King is asking for your presence, he says it is urgent, my lord.” Gendry dismissed the soldier with a nod before heading to the great hall, seeing it formed to a council chamber. He nodded to every man in this room, before he saw a shadow near the wall, he knew the shape of the body in his mind as well as he knew his own. Arya were staying in the shadows of the wall, yet he could see her eyes, demanding him not to say anything to Lord Rickon and everybody else in the small council. He gave her a curt nod before returning his eyes on Rickon, finding his eyes on his own, speaking unspoken words. Rickon knows Arya is here. He smiled at the thought, Arya had convinced her little brother to let her attend to the meeting, even in the shadows. Everybody settled in their chairs before Rickon arose from his chair drawing more attention to him. “The Lannisters have declared war against the North, accusing us for holding late King Robert’s bastard hidden here, the last one remaining after his death, for the queen regent slaughtered each and every one carrying the Baratheon blood, the ones who survived is Stannis Baratheon, the brother of King Robert, and King Robert’s, now only living, true heir, only not yet legitimized, Lord Gendry Waters.” A whisper went through the hall, he saw Arya frozen against the wall, and he felt Rickon’s blue eyes upon him, Arya and Bran had the Stark gray eyes but Rickon, along with Sansa had their mother’s Tully blue eyes. Though to Rickon’s young age, he spoke with old and heavy words, with an authority a man in his age shouldn’t yet start to understand and begin to use. Gendry stared disbelieving on the King, feeling his emotions swirling inside his chest, yet he felt numbed.
“Gendry, did you not have the slightest knowledge about your father?” Rickon asked. Gendry felt confusion rise in his chest as he shook his head. “No, your grace.” Rickon nodded in acknowledgement. “Let me tell you all this, the hands of the King, Jon Arryn and my father, Eddard Stark...” Rickon’s voice were hard as steel, yet Gendry heard the sorrow and loss in the young boy’s voice. “They found out that the legitimized heirs of the Iron throne is born of incest of queen Cersei and her brother, Jamie Lannister. “ The whispers started to rise in the hall but as Rickon opened his mouth again, the silence fell upon them all. “They knew of the bastards of King Robert, for all the Baratheon children are born with black hair, and yet so often, blue eyes, deeper than any ocean. And now they are dead, accused of treason, and with King Robert dead and Cersei as the queen regent, raising Tommen to be the King of the seven kingdoms, she demand us to send Lord Gendry to King’s landing, for her want to kill him along with Stannis Baratheon.”
The hall was silent for a moment before the voices were raised and Rickon silenced them all with a rise of his hands. “Lord Gendry have been a loyal knight to me, and a strong man who are helping us to rebuild our home, but the most important thing to know is that he protected my sister within all his power, he didn’t have to but he did, and the Stark’s words are Winter is coming and the truth lies in those words, yet my mother’s family words are Family, duty, honor and by those words I found it most essential to keep Ser Gendry unharmed, because my family is the most important to me and he have helped my sister, the lost wolf of Winterfell, have kept her safe for long. So my duty is to keep him safe with all my powers, and in doing the right thing I have my honor with me.” His voice rang clear through the hall and the men were silent, nodding in agreement. A few of them sending him looks of sympathy and loyalty to him. He tried to smile bravely to them and yet he was scared, scared to his bones of what Rickon have spoken of. His eyes searched near the wall, trying to see the only face he knew would comfort him enough to go through with this meeting, yet he found nothing in the shadows of the wall, she was gone, he met Rickon’s eyes knowing her brother knew it as well and with a curt nod he gave the permission for Gendry to leave the hall.
He went directly to the Godswood, knowing she would be there and he was right, her presence drew him closer to her. “That was what the gold cloaks wanted with you.” He knew she spoke of their travel to the wall, before Yoren was killed. He nodded silently agreeing to her, everything falling into place, why the hands of the King had asked him questions about his mom, why his master suddenly kicked him out shortly after King Robert’s death, why the gold cloaks had looked for him, why the red priestess had told him he was the bastard son of King Robert, yet he hadn’t believed in what she had said and yet she wanted his royal blood for a reason he didn’t know. “Why did you choose the brotherhood without banners when you and I could have escaped before the red priestess were there?” His head lowered in shame. “I couldn’t be good enough for you, and they offered me a knighthood, to be someone, and someday maybe be worthy of you.” She turned to him, anger flaring through her eyes, stronger than ever. “I have never cared that you were a bastard, I will never care if you are a knight or not. All I wanted was you, Gendry was enough...” He felt like she had thrown a dagger though his heart.
But he covered it up with rage. "What would you know, you never wanted to marry, you never wanted to fall in love, you never wanted me the way I wanted you!"
His words hit her right in the face, she knew how many times she had to remember herself that she only wanted him close to protect her, not having any feelings for him. Back then she was just a stupid girl who wanted someone to protect her and not being like her older sister, believing in love, but now, she knew something had been growing between them and it had still been growing although they have been parted. Back in Braavos she would remember his face feeling her heart ache in sorrow for her loss of him, before she had become No One, his face dimmed into nothing, her family forgotten and left behind the high walls she had built to protect her mind. Arya Stark being locked down behind those walls as she let No One take her place. His face was the hardest one to forget, but she had managed somehow, but when she heard that the King in the North lived, she became Arya Stark once more.
She remembered him with every cell in her body, she missed him, now being a woman grown she would think of her feelings for him may be more than just fondly. And she was scared to death by these feelings. She remembered hints in his actions back then, hinting her of his feelings, yet he had covered them up because of his honor. But that was also why she loved him, because he was honorable like her father had been. Her rage began to fill her, how dared he tell her she didn't want him as much as he wanted her. "Oh, you have no idea what I been feeling, what I have been through and if you only think you know me, let me tell you this, you don't know me Gendry, you know nothing about me now!" Her voice rose and echoed in the woods, the silence after being deafening. He let out a breath, before opening his mouth. "I still do know that you have your own demons inside you, still battling, I still do know about those pictures inside your head, the horrible pictures of what you have seen, I still do know that you have built up walls, strong walls to keep your heart safe, safe from all the hurt around you, yet you have let your family back again in your heart, and I do still know that those feelings are scaring you half to death because you know your own walls are faltering.” With every meaning that left his mouth, he came one step closer to her. She felt intimidated by his size, yet she felt as a familiar feeling of being safe in his arms creeping around her... Like his arms have been around her in Harrenhall to shield her from any harm, yet he couldn’t shield her from the noises she had heard. He couldn’t shield her from her nightmares. She felt her anger falter and tears prickled her eyes, his arms came around her, pulling her to his chest, comforting her in his silence. She breathed in his scent, so masculine and yet so boyish mixed with the smell of fire and smoke, making him smell like Gendry, just like she remembered him. She closed her eyes for just a moment, letting go of everything, the war, their complicated friendship/relationship, everything and just allowed herself to be consumed by the feeling of being safe, the night’s darkness helping her to forget.
She remembered this path, she remembered running here with her brothers and her sister. Now her sister was gone but yet her brothers were here. She lifted her nose to the stars above and let out a howl out, begging her brothers to come and join her. Soon, the answers reached her ears, Ghost were busy working with his human mate, Summer were watching over his human, never wanted to leave his side, but Shaggydog ran not far behind her. He would catch up with her, sooner or later. She loved the feeling of the soft ground underneath her paws, her strong legs carrying her body wherever she wanted to, feeling her muscles work beneath her fur, her fur that kept her warm through the cold winter, the fur that kept her safe, and in return she wore it like her crown, like her cloak of pride. Her eyes never failing her in the darkness and her nose so sharp that not even Ghost could compare, not anyone, her jaws stronger than ever, her jaws that could kill anyone, and her jaws that would feed her.
The sound of angry voices reached her ears and as soon as she recognized one of the voices as her human, she changed the direction abruptly, running towards the sound. She slowed down as she neared, wanting the moment of surprise on her side if she needed to attack. The moon reflection on the lake made her see the scene before her as sharp as in the brightest sunlight. Her human stood there with her mate’s arms encircled tightly around her, she heard her human sob silently and a growl ripped through her throat, but the sounds of their language, soft words falling from her mate’s lips made her realize that he was soothing her. She watched for a moment, making sure she didn’t got it all wrong, then she left her human with her mate on their own, feeling comfortable with her being with him for she knew he would to everything to protect her human. She fell in step with Shaggydog and they went out on a hunt. She knew she would beat him easily.
Gendry woke up the next morning by the sound of running footsteps down the hall outside his doors, he dressed quickly, finding Rickon easily in the crowded hall because Shaggydog held everyone on a distance from his mate. Though no one in Winterfell were scared to death by the big direwolfs, they were smart enough to be wary when the never ending growl in Shaggydog’s throat reached their ears, Gendry himself standing on a distance but Rickon went towards him. “Your grace, what is happening?” Rickon smiled up to Gendry. “I’m finding soldiers and asking everyone to join the army and train to protect you.” Gendry felt the horror deep in his stomach. “No, do not do such a thing, I don’t want war on my hands, I...” “What Gendry? What shall we do when the kings guard and every soldier in King’s landing are coming here, marching in here to Winterfell just to take you away and kill you, what do you want us to do?” Rickon asked, slightly angered and confused. “I don’t know, but I don’t want you to go to war for me.” Rickon faced him and hold his stare wary. “I want you to be safe, and I will keep you safe for everything in my power but I didn’t want to go out in war neither. But it wasn’t my choice…” Gendry’s brow furrowed at Rickon’s words. “What do you mean by that?” Rickon gestured Gendry to follow him and they walked to the training yard of Winterfell. He got a glimpse of the soldiers train combat before his eyes found Rickon’s again. “Arya asked me to put in every soldier to your protection.” Rickon said in a low voice. Gendry couldn’t hide his surprise. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that Arya asked me to put in every soldier to your protection.” Rickon shook his head and looking down on the training yard. “Why would she do that?” Gendry was utterly confused. “You really needed to ask?” Gendry nodded his head and Rickon smiled sadly at his confused face, like Gendry couldn’t figure something out that was obvious. “Well, ask her for yourself.” Rickon said, nodding down to the yard and for the first time Gendry saw who it was that were training the soldiers, Arya were swinging her sword gracefully never giving the soldiers any chance. It was five to one and Arya still defeated everyone. Gendry jumped down from the low balcony he and Rickon had been standing on for just a few moments ago, landing right in the battle. Arya’s sword nearly separated his head from his body. “Woah, slow down just a bit, I’m really fond of my head just now.” Gendry put his hands up in the air just to show he was unarmed, a smile showing off in his face. Arya stilled her movements but didn’t look like she regretted anything, and Gendry knew that if she had wanted his head, he wouldn’t be breathing this moment. “Why are you making your brother put in every soldier in the army?”
Arya’s face was deadly serious. “Because you need it… I have seen you fight.” He let out a sigh, throwing his arms up in a defenseless gesture. “I am not that bad.” He met her gaze and she cocked her head to one side, a smile tugging at her lips. “Then prove it.” She turned her back against him, and a soldier from behind held a sword in front of him, giving him a pat on the shoulder, whispering “Don’t get yourself killed.” Wow that was just really encouraging. She turned around to face him again falling into a waterdance position, holding her sword out against him. He felt uncomfortable, with her standing before him, and a sword in his hand. He didn't want to hurt her he told himself therefore he was completely caught off guard when she attacked him with a swift motion, she hit him hard with flat side of her sword on his arm making him grunt in pain. "Damn it Arya, stop, this is madness!" He said, slightly panicked. She furrowed her brow at him and smiled a mischievous smile, swirling around him and giving him a good hit on his shoulder. “Fight me.” He shook his head and before he could take another breath, he was on the ground gasping for the air that had left him with the blow Arya had sent to his stomach, Arya stood over him, her sword to his throat. “Fight me!” Gendry rolled to the side rising to his feet, spitting on the ground, he swung the sword in the air, falling into a defensing position.
He charged at her and their swords sang when they clashed into each other. She still wielded the small sword her brother Jon have given her before the war of the Iron throne. He recalled that she used to call it Needle. It was made for speed and not strength. A strategy started to form in his mind. He speeded up his movements and putting more force into every hit. He saw the surprised look on her face when she felt the force behind his blow, but a determination light up in her eyes, and by then he knew she would win this fight. He fought well, and it was an even battle, whenever he made a move to make her fall back she would answer with the same method. Finally he saw an opening in her movements and he took it, holding her back against his chest, but to do so he had to move sideways to become a smaller target for her, which he knew she didn’t expect him to do, she had tried to teach him that once and he didn’t listen to her, until now. His hold on her was lose enough and when she struggled to get out of his grasp he had the nerve to whisper. “Sideways.” She knocked the air out of his lungs with her elbow, giving her time to wiggle out of his hold and regain her position. He didn’t know how much time that had passed since they started to fight, the sun were shining above them, all covered in sweat and dirt. The battle went back and forth and he saw the first signs of exhaustion in Arya’s movements, he forced himself to put more strength into his blows and he saw her clench her jaws, forcing her body to move faster, His own limbs ached with tiredness and he hoped this battle would end soon. He blinked the dizziness from his eyes and he couldn’t see her anywhere in his sight. He straightened up, seeing the soldiers’ worried movements, scanning the area. In a sudden movement he felt her clinging to his back, a cold dagger at his throat. “And now you are dead.”
She breathed in his ear. He chuckled and throw the sword aside walking with her, still on his back, to the Godswood. He stood there, with her on his back, taking in the beautiful scene at the lake, but he had other thoughts in his mind and before Arya could let go of him he took a leap into the water. She squealed in response when their sweat covered, warm bodies hit the cold surface. For a second he floated under the water, feeling her release her hold of him, kicking herself up to break the surface, he put his feet in the mud rising to his full height, breaking the surface, the water reached him above the shoulders were his neck began. She was nowhere to be seen, he felt someone tugging at his ankles and he laughed as he understood that she was trying to make him fall beneath the surface again, and for the first time, she failed completely, he was too heavy for her to knock him down. She broke the surface and glared at him, but her eyes were glittering with the humor they shared. Gendry smiled at her in return and splashed a great deal of water on her, and he had declared war to Arya, as she splashed at him too. The winter sun had melted the thin layer of snow.
They walked out of the water when the sun hung low in the sky, drying themselves and their clothes off in the last rays of sunlight covered in a cloak draped upon each of their shoulders. They laid in the grass, just enjoying each other’s company draping their cloaks around them to keep the warmth. “Seriously Arya, why would you let Rickon waste his soldiers and army on me?” He asked, turning to her. He saw her features grew grim with seriousness. She didn’t answer and kept staring into the sky, the silence became slightly uncomfortable but he knew better than to press Arya. The sun disappeared to give away for the moon, before she turned to him. “You are important to me.” Her voice and expression showed off a vulnerability he had never seen in her, before. He nodded, couldn’t make himself form any words well enough to a response. “Gendry, I mean it, don’t ever leave me again.” Her usually steel gray eyes wore a softer shade and he saw tears swimming in them.
His heart broke with sorrow when he realized what he meant to her, he realized that she cared for him as much as he cared for her. He felt the guilt release its hold on him and he felt pure joy running through his soul. He did the only thing that felt right. He rolled over to kiss her, her lips met his in a tender kiss so soft yet so passionate. He could feel both of their emotions being concealed in just one kiss, the hunger and passion, the loss and all the hurt, the love and affection they both held to one another, he could feel everything in just a tender kiss, and when they broke it he could see those feelings in her eyes. “I promise you, as long as I still have a breath in my body, my sword will always guard you, and I will never leave your side again. I can’t go through those horrible feelings when I thought you were dead, when I thought I had lost the one and true love of my life.” Arya shook her head. “Come on, let’s go back to the castle before my brother sends out the soldiers and dogs, looking for us.” The pang in his chest was hard to ignore, here he had opened up to her and she blew it away. He took her outstretched hand as she helped him up and they started walking slowly towards the castle.
They walked through the doors of the Great hall together, gathering a knowing look from Sansa. Arya tried to put on an emotionless face because all of her feelings reared up to the surface, and she wasn’t sure of any of them, except she knew she couldn’t handle losing Gendry once more but Sansa’s look on them made her cringe, nearly hiding from the stare behind Gendry’s broad shoulders. He held an arm around her shoulders, comforting her, and she held her head high, using her experiences of being No One. Since when had she become a little girl who cowered underneath the stare of her sister? They sat down with the Stark members, and were served a delicious meal, with freshly baked bread and dornish red wine to drink. Arya couldn’t feel the taste of the food, she was too busy trying to pry her eyes of Gendry, and she could feel him steal glances at her. How could he act so normal when she was trying her very best not being disturbed by his presence? She let her hand fall into her lap, and when the desert came, she laid her hand in his lap, drawing patterns on his thigh, she felt him stiffen beside her as he glanced at her way, she pretended not to have noticed it and talked to Rickon about what would happen in the near future. She heard him stumble at his words when he spoke to Sansa. Suddenly he rose to his feet, excusing himself not feeling well, and Arya followed him shortly after.
WARNING: FROM NOW ON, THERE WILL BE ADULT CONTENT HERE AND THERE IN THE STORY, IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE IT, SKIP THE REST.
She wandered through the halls, once she had been running, she had always been running somewhere, because it went faster. She remembered a morning in her childhood, she was stuck with her sister and her septa, trying to make her stitches looking good, and failing miserable with the task, septa Mordane was praising over Sansa’s beautiful stitches, and only shook her head to Arya’s work. She heard all of her brothers outside in the sunshine trying to teach Bran how to shoot an arrow, and all she wanted to do was run, she wanted to practice archery, not sitting inside with her sister and other boring ladies, when she saw the opening, she took it, running outside, she came up behind her brothers, releasing an arrow from her own bow, shooting strait past her brothers, hitting the center of the target with ease. Her brothers’ laughter sang through her memories and the feeling of Jon tousle her hair back then.
She stopped outside Gendry’s chambers, hearing him groan Arya, oh shit, Arya was all she heard from the door, was he dreaming of her? She turned the doorknob and the sight would be imprinted in her mind forever, he laid sprawled over the big featherbed, using his hand to pleasure himself, he hadn’t heard her coming in, and he kept chanting her name. She had seen him naked before, a memory of when he found out that she was a girl, traveling to the wall. “..And I have been pissing in front of you and everything… All about cocks, I should never had said.” She remembered how furious she had been when he insisted of calling her m’lady. It never seized to annoy her, but right now, the comment made her smile, something must have given her away because Gendry jerked his way up, trying to cover his erection with the sheets. Arya smiled, humor glittering in her eyes. “No, I’m sorry my lord, I shouldn’t have interrupted, please, don’t stop.” She could barely hold back her laughter when she said those words, she knew it wasn’t very kind, but Gendry was used to it. She saw him blush in a deep shade of red, and she couldn’t contain her laughter anymore, she burst out laughing and he groaned, covering his red face in his hands. She walked to sit beside him on the bed, she tried to look anywhere but his manhood, though her eyes were drawn there, she tried to ignore the flutter in her stomach, and the heat of desire between her legs. She was a maiden still, but not in her mind, she had seen things, heard things and knew quite a lot from listening on drunkards in the tavern. He was the biggest she had ever seen, and she smiled at that.
“Go, you shouldn’t be here, you are a lady, ready to be wed to a lord, it is hard to find a lord who wants a woman with a ruined maidenhood.” He growled, still embarrassed. She felt the fury rage inside her, how many times did she have to tell Gendry that she wasn’t a lady, her family had long thought she was dead, they would never marry her off if she didn’t want to, they would let her do anything. She pulled the sheets away from him, baring him, all naked in front of her eyes, she saw him look up, a surprised look on his face as he saw the hunger in her eyes. Before he could pull away, she lowered her head, closing her mouth around his manhood. He hissed in pleasure, which made her more confident, she kept sucking on him, slightly teasing the tip of him with her tongue, she felt him grow even stiffer in her mouth. He pulled out of her mouth before his release, shifting their positions so she laid on the soft bed with him hovering over her. He pulled off her breeches, and fumbled to try take off her tunic, so he ripped that one apart in his haste to see her naked body, and once the clothes were on the floor, he couldn’t stop looking at her, admire her body. She squirmed beneath his gaze, he pressed kisses on her smooth skin, everywhere he could reach, starting at her feet, he kissed his way up to her inner thigh before continuing with her other leg, skipped the area where she needed it most. He kissed every scar he found, trying to heal it more, he teased her nipples, one with his hand and one with his mouth. She let out a whimper, wishing him to go faster, but he insisted on doing this his way.
She felt his mouth close over her nipple, feeling the tip of his tongue tease her until it stood erect, moving upwards he found her weak spot just below her ear, sucking on her pulse point. Finally he kissed her, crashing his lips over her, they were beyond the point of tenderness, and this kiss was full with need. She bit down hard on his lower lip, hard enough to draw blood, as he let her inside, she tasted the iron on his tongue with the sourness of the wine, while she let her tongue explore his mouth, his hand disappeared between her legs, and found her sopping wet, he pushed two fingers inside her. She gasped at the unfamiliar feeling, but soon she was overwhelmed with pleasure, she felt the pressure increase, the heat almost unbearable, and suddenly he withdraw, leaving her unsatisfied. She whimpered, opening her eyes and found his blue eyes watching her. “Stupid bullheaded boy.” She glared at him and he smiled at her before kissing her once more, this time he begged for entrance in her mouth, she kept her lips firmly pressed together, still pouting, he kept licking her firm lips, kept coaxing her until she opened her mouth slightly, but he took his chance, sneaking his tongue inside her mouth, she decided she liked him kissing her. He broke away from the kiss, and she looked into his eyes and saw so much passion but also determination. “Are you sure you want this?” She pulled him down to her for another kiss. Yes she was absolutely sure about this. She felt him position himself at her entrance, spreading her legs wider apart before pushing himself inside her. She felt pain, and he stilled once he was inside her, wait for her to adjust to the unfamiliar feeling. The pain was bearable, she had been through worse, much more worse, she nodded her head at him, a smile plastered on her face as he began to move and she gave herself up to the pleasure and the pain dulled away. The pressure inside her increased and she lifted her hips to meet his every thrust, both of their movements became faster, more urgent as both of them neared their climax. She pulled his head down to kiss him, her fingers raking his back, drawing red marks and blood in the process, he lifted her legs and put them around his waist, and she tried to pull him closer by digging her heels into his ass. He left her lips only to kiss the weak spot below her ear and with that she climaxed, biting down on his shoulder to muffle her screams, he peaked with her, filling her with his seed. The orgasm she just had experienced was more powerful than anything she had experienced before, when she became aware of their surroundings again, she found herself wrapped in his arms and a blanket covered their bodies, as he kissed her, en tender kiss on her shoulder while she drifted off to sleep. The first good sleep she had had since she put her foot back in Westerros again.
Gendry woke up, reaching out for the woman beside him, only to grab air. He bolted up, looking around and Arya was nowhere in sight. He sighed and fell back on the pillows, had he only imagined that she came to his chamber and seduced him? Had it all been a dream? No it couldn’t have been, please no. He reached up and put on his clothes, feeling it hurt on his back when the rough material of his tunic touched his back, he ripped it off, trying to see his back in the mirror. He saw the red marks marking his back, and he felt a relief in his heart, it had been true, she was with him, but she had left him before dawn, but it was true, no less. He walked towards the forge, and stopped by the training yard, he saw a bunch of solders training, their movements were swift and lither than most of the soldiers training on the other side of the yard. He saw Arya in front of every one of the soldiers, she were training everyone, the bunch that were swifter and lither were her own soldiers. She led the other bunch, Bran’s soldiers against her own army, trying to learn them how to fight, and to meet great resistance by their faster and swifter movements, you can’t count on your strength because it can exhaust you, by being faster and lither, you can wear them down, and it will probably keep the most injuries away from you, because you are so fast. He saw her army defeat Bran’s soldiers within minutes and he saw the knights being slightly offended, but they clenched their jaws and tried again. Arya gave them strictly orders, it was easier said than done. “You, don’t let them defeat you, or you will be dead!” She shouted to Bran’s soldiers and to her own. “Fight like it is your last day on earth, fight and don’t let me down!” He smiled at her words, knowing both sides will give their best. She learned them different strategies and gave his soldiers a great disadvantage, surrounded by “enemies”. He saw the sweat drip from everyone and he couldn’t help by feeling his cock stiffen at the sight of Arya.
Bran’s knights and soldiers started to get tired of Arya’s never ending training and started to whine about it and she let them taste her fury, and they shut up after that, he decided to help them and give them a rest. He walked towards her, and she let the soldiers having a break when she came towards him. “Teach me.” He said. Arya eyed him up and down before turning her back to him, saying “You are late for practice Ser Gendry.” He flinched slightly at her harsh words. “And that is why you shall meet me in combat!” Gendry let out a sigh, he didn’t want to fight her, playfighting was one thing but practicing for a fight is another. He started to regret his offer to give the soldiers a break. One of the soldiers gave him a sword, this time whispering “Thank you.” Gendry suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. Gendry positioned himself into a defensive position, trying to keep himself sidefaced to Arya, to make the target smaller. They circled around each other, trying to read one another’s first move. Instead of giving Arya the first moment of surprise, he chose to attack her first. She blocked his blow with ease, making a direct move against his ribs with her fist, he couldn’t avoid it, and he was too busy with the sword. He grunted in pain as she shouted glaring comments like “You are so stupid, always be aware of your opponent, all of him!” He answered with “What about her?!” Which earned him a hard blow in his stomach sending him to the ground, the snow which had returned, melted around their feet. She gave him a moment to get up because she didn’t want the fight to end so soon, she would make him regret that he was late. He attacked her while she still had her back to him, but with one swift move, she made him fall back to the ground, he knew he would wake up with bruises all over his body the very next day. He could feel his anger surge inside him, why was she always mad at him, making him suffer more than anyone? The anger gave him speed and more force than he intended to, but with the moment of surprise, he got a good hit on Arya’s shoulder, making her cry out in pain and falling to the ground, she didn’t have a chance to avoid or meet the blow. He dropped his sword in an instant and ran towards her, everyone else in the training yard froze for a moment before the place were buzzing again, awaiting for a sign from Arya. She glared at every soldier who had ran to rescue her, like they could take away the pain, and finally her gray eyes met his, they were filled with awe, and affection. She rose to her feet, she hissed angrily to everyone, not to help her or to support her.
She had gathered all attention from the yard and Gendry saw the rest of the Stark family on the low balcony, Sansa’s face of fear and disgust, Jon’s worried but amused expression, Rickon’s face were filled with excitement and Bran’s worried and almost skeptical look. Gendry lowered his face in shame, he had just attacked a lady, the princess in the North, like she was just another solider. The silence fell upon the yard when Arya spoke out. “You all saw what happened, and for you who didn’t I will tell you, Lord Gendry and I were training, and I wasn’t quick enough to avoid his blow…” She were interrupted by some call from the outer circle of the yard. “He shouldn’t have used all his force, you are a lady, we should be careful with you…” Arya’s angry voice echoed through the yard. “I am not a lady, nor will I ever be even though I can’t give away my title, I will certainly not act like one, and I will not be treated like one! I have travelled to the Free Cities, I have been treated just like any lowborn poor bastard have ever been, and I don’t care, I will always act and behave like me, like Arya Stark, no matter what ever all the courtesies says, no matter what any other lady would disapprove. I have been through the seven hells and back, and I won’t behave like I didn’t! What you saw was the way I wanted to be treated, when I am training the soldiers, there is no holding back, how could I ever became as good as I am today if I was treated like a highborn lady? If I notice one of you are holding back, I will personally put you in a cell to rot!” Her voice was strong for everyone to hear, and she stood all proud and tall, or not quite tall but for all she was. “Ser Gendry did just what I wanted him to do, I wanted him to give his everything in this fight, just like you do when you are fighting any other soldier, I will not be treated differently.” Gendry had kept his eyes trailed on her, listening in awe, her strong words and the honesty that laid behind those words.
Not saying another word, she lunged at Gendry, her sword in the air, he throw himself down and rolled aside when she stabbed the ground he had hit just a few seconds ago. He saw his sword laying behind her and when he tried to get it, she blocked his every way. He throw his leg up, kicking her sword hand just enough for her to drop the sword and quickly he lunged for her sword, now he was armed and she was not. She raced to his sword and picked it up just in time to block his blow, their swords clashing into each other. She went on attacking every side she could with every swift motion and strategy she could come up with, frustrated that he blocked every blow, so she kicked his leg and he nearly lost his balance giving her time to send him back to the ground, he barely avoided her strike, and rose again on his feet, as the next blow landed on his upper arm. He grimaced, avoiding her next blow to gather his balance again, they kept exchanging blows, and sometimes one of them would get a hit on the other but the fight never came to ones forfeit. He dropped his sword, tired of the never ending fight, and lunged at her, she dropped her sword from the force when his bodyweight hit her in her stomach. He pinned her to the ground, sweat dripping from him, and he saw sweat glistering in her own face, and she smiled breathlessly. He saw her lift her head and she gave him a peck on his cheek, he closed his eyes thinking the fight might have ended. He couldn’t have been more wrong. She flipped them, with small struggle and she pinned him to the ground. “First rule in battle strategy, never let your opponent distract you.” He heard laughter around him and saw some of the other knights and soldiers trying to suppress their laughter when he saw them. Arya herself wore a smile on her face. “That wasn’t fair!” He said, frustration clearly in his voice. Arya rose, and held out a hand to help him up, which he ignored rising himself. “Since when do you think your enemy will play nice and fair with you? Don’t be such a girl.” She dismissed the others and they scattered around the yard, talking to each other. “Are you calling me a girl, my lady?” he said with a slightly mocking tone. She looked up to meet his gaze, cocking her head to one side. “Yes I am, what are you going to do? Pull your cock out to prove me wrong, my lord?” He lifted a brow at her. “Maybe I will do just that.” He said tugging at her arm, and she followed him willingly to his chamber.
Sansa had watched in horror when Ser Gendry and her sister had fought, especially when she cried out in pain, how could she stand it? Why couldn’t she just be a normal lady? But Sansa loved her sister no less, she was her sister, a daughter of the North, the true she-wolf of Winterfell, she was Arya Stark, and Sansa’s sister, she walked through the halls of her home, but soon she would never return, she was betrothed to Willas Tyrell. She would move to High Garden and live her life there, but her heart belonged to a soldier, a lifeguard, not who she expected to fall in love with, she wanted to fall in love with a handsome knight in shining armor but yet she had fallen for a solider. She lifted her head high, she was a real lady, and she would marry whomever her brother wanted her too. She heard giggle and she followed the sound, wanting to socialize with some other ladies, but when she saw the source to the sound she quickly retreated before they acknowledged her presence. Her sister were running around in the castle with her blacksmith bastard friend. But she knew in her heart that the blacksmith bastard bedded her sister. She went to find her friends and they sat down and started sewing their new dresses. Sansa only listened on half an ear when she heard. “…Runs around like she owns the place and she can do whatever she wants without someone will scold her… She needs to be put in a place, she have to act like a normal lady…” Sansa rose abruptly and glared at her friends. “I have thought my sister was dead for six almost seven years and I know now that she is alive, and I am satisfied with that. I will not tell her who she will wed, I will not tell her to act like someone she is not. I will not let someone take her away if she does not want to. Believe me, I have tried to scold her in our childhood and it resulted in quarrels and arguments, and when I thought she was dead, I regretted that I had tried to change her, and not trying to be a sister. I was ashamed of my sister but not anymore, she is my sister, the lost she-wolf of Winterfell, the lost daughter in the North, she is a warrior and she will always be one. I will not change her, and nor will you. I am proud of my sister though we do not share every opinion, but she is my sister.” Sansa felt her tears prickle her eyes and she walked out of the room, her head held high and the pressing silence from her friends.
She went to her chambers, and she felt his presence behind her, he followed her into her chambers. As soon as they were behind her closed doors, she went limp in his arms and he held her close to his chest, letting her sob into him, he softly patted her back and just held her firmly in place while whispering his nickname for her. “Little bird, don’t cry little bird.” She felt comfortable in his arms, his big posture hovering over her.
Arya felt to giggle, and she did, resting her head on Gendry’s bare chest, he looked down at her. “What? What is so funny?” Which made Arya giggle more. He raised his hand to tickle her and she squirmed in his arms, trying to get out of his grasp, with no success because Gendry was a lot stronger than she is. “Stop!” She felt like she couldn’t breathe, because she laughed so hard and he still kept tickling her. She landed a punch on his jaw and he stopped suddenly. “Ouch what was that for?” He growled. She glared at him, pouting her lips at him. “You tickled me and didn’t stop.” He smiled at her, and she felt her stomach do a flip at the sight. “I am so sorry m’lady… Oumf” She landed a punch in his stomach. “Damn it Arya, do you like me with blue bruises?!” She straddled him and leaned in to his ear whispering. “I only like your balls blue…” With that she squeezed his cock with her hand, pretty roughly and he growled loudly, biting down on her shoulder to muffle his scream. She laughed while she bent down to kiss every bruise she could find, she kissed him with gently lips while still working with her hand around his manhood. He stiffened and her tiny hand couldn’t reach all the way around it. He moaned her name, but she wasn’t ready to let him come just yet. She let go of his manhood and laid down beside him, drawing patterns on his chest with light fingers, she ignored his gaze, filled with lust and frustration. He growled as he shifted himself upon her, and crashed his lips against hers. She bit down on his lip hard, making him moan into her mouth. She felt his lips suck on her neck, and she moaned in ecstasy, and feeling a smile tugging at her lips when she flipped them and straddled him, she bent down to lick at the tip and his whole body tensed at the sensation, she gripped his balls with her tiny hands and massaged them while kissing all around the root… And then let go of him once more denying him his release and the fury enlightened his blue eyes, almost black with lust.
He flipped them once more, this time roughly and held both her hands in one of his and fingered her, his fingers pushing in and out of her in a furious tempo. She felt the heat course through her veins, and the pressure of the near orgasm consume her, and suddenly she felt his fingers disappear and he gazed down at her, watching her climb down from the top of her nearing orgasm. She wiggled beneath her, furious about being denied her powerful orgasm. A mischievous smile dazzled in his face. “Payback is a bitch huh m’lady?” He was too stupid to realize her thoughts would kill him. She lifted her legs and locked them around his waist and wiggled close to his erection, letting him feel her wetness leaking over his skin, and they both moaned in unison when the friction appeared. He couldn’t help himself anymore and he pushed inside her with one swift move, and Arya lifted her hips to meet his every thrust. He could feel her frustration when he still held her hands firmly in place, but he didn’t want to let her go, this time was his to dominate. His thrusts were roughly and he went deep inside her and he felt her nearing her climax and he bent down to kiss her weak spot behind her ear and she clamped around him screaming loudly, he swallowed her screams with his kiss and he followed a second after.
They both were trying to catch their breaths, and both were covered in a layer of sweat, when the doors bolted open, Rickon gasped and quickly covered his eyes and Shaggydog growled, Nymeria took her brother to the ground, wrestling. “Arya, you can’t just do that!!” Rickon screamed, still covering his eyes. Arya laughed but her cheeks shone with a bright red shade. “What is up little brother?” Rickon was off track and he couldn’t remember why he had ran inside her chambers to a start but his memory caught up with him. “Your presence is needed in the Great hall, immediately!” He said while running out in the corridor once more, Shaggydog pushed Nymeria away from him and ran after his master. She shot a quick glance at Gendry before she rose. Gendry laid in the bed, watching her naked body move around the rooms while dressing quickly, her lean body moved swiftly, and before he knew it she had dragged him down on the floor in his feet. His already sore body screamed in pain and he grunted out. ”What was that good for?” She stood with her hands on her hips, fully dressed. “You are coming with me.” She went out, letting him dress while putting her Justice at her hip, and Needle also hidden behind the bigger sword. They both went down the halls together and entered the Great hall, all heads went up to eye the one who entered. Rickon sat at the end with Shaggydog on the floor with Bran at his side, a seat left for Arya on the other side.
She sat down and Rickon rose his voice. “The Lannisters are coming for the North, but the North will stand, they can’t take away a man of the North, we will show them the rage of the North! We will not take the fight to the wall of Winterfell but we will ride out the meet them and defeat them!” Gendry stood firmly behind her, like a great statue, but his insides roared with emotions. No this cannot be happening, it cannot be a war, and Arya cannot go through a war, she will die, I cannot let that happen, I will not let her down once more. Arya arose from her seat and bowed to her brother, and he quickly realized that he had missed a major part of this meeting. He followed her out the doors and caught her arm. “What was that about?” He made her stop and made her meet his gaze. He saw a great sorrow in her eyes. “I will not let anyone take you away from me anymore and therefore I am at command over our army.” He felt a cold hand grip his heart and she stormed away, and the worst thing was, that he let her go. He was stuck, why would she do that? She can’t do that, I can’t handle it if she died at this war trying to protect me, and I have to do something... “
The yard was buzzing with chatter and the clang of metal, men were yelling and preparing for a big fight. Some of the soldiers were shooting him glares but he barely noticed, he only noticed the small figure in front of him. “Arya, please don’t do this, I can’t manage the thought with you hurt or worse.” Arya stopped in her tracks, glancing up at him, he saw the sorrow in her eyes and yet he saw greater emotions, he saw determination, but also love. “Likewise, you stupid bull.” She answered. “I will not let them take you away or kill you, not without trying till my last breath.” She left him hanging and he went to the forge. He started working, and he didn’t stop until he was done. He glanced down at his work, the last sunlight shone upon it. It was fierce and beautiful, yet so discreet.
He slept restlessly all night and he was tired in the next morning, and he went to the hall for his breakfast, and maybe he would get a sight of Arya. He saw all the Stark family gathered and went up to them to talk, and Arya faced him. “You are coming with me and the army, they will not expect you to be in the force but you will not be harmed. Or you will answer to me!” Her eyes on the other hand spoke a different truth. He nodded, almost happy not to be parted from Arya.
They all travelled at midday, he rode beside her, she wanted to keep an eye on him, and he wouldn’t want it otherwise. Rickon had sent a word to every one of his banner men, and they had agreed to join with his army when they were on the road. They mostly travelled in silence, and Gendry was fighting with his memories from the last time they travelled, she had just been a child, and now, the second time they travelled, she had grown to be a woman, a woman he had started to get feelings for, and though he was a knight, he still didn’t feel worthy enough for her. She needed a highborn lord, not a lowborn bastard pretending to be a knight.
When they sat up a camp, and the silence had fallen upon their tents, he decided to pay a visit to her. He quietly moved to her tent, and slid inside easily, when his eyes adjusted to the tent he saw it was empty. He just turned around to leave when he felt the sting of a sword at his neck. “Why are you sneaking up on me?” He turned around to face her and that was when he saw that she was as naked as the day she was born. She had just taken a bath, the drops of water still glittering on her flawless skin.
“I didn’t, not really, I just wanted to give you something.” She dropped the sword in an instant. “What is it?” He saw her eyes shine with happiness and smiled at her happiness, it was so rarely could he see pure happiness in her eyes, and he vowed to himself to give her more gifts. “Naaaeh, I don’t know if I want to, you just put a sword at my throat.” She raised the sword again. “And I will put the sword through your throat if you don’t give me my surprise.” He knew she said the threat with humor and no meaning behind it but her words were chilly enough to send chills down his spine. “Fine… Close your eyes.” She glared at him before she closed her eyes. He went forward to remove her sword from her hand, and he could see in her movements that she wasn’t fond to be parted from it. He held his present in front of her. “Open your eyes.” She gasped when she saw it and her awe shone bright through her eyes when she finally lifted her head to meet his eyes. “It is so beautiful.” She whispered. He smiled a loving smile at her. She lifted her face to him and he leaned in to give her a chaste kiss. He held her in his arms, feeling her relax. When she pulled away, she gave him a good night kiss, a kiss he felt linger on his cheek when he left. He stopped when he saw Nymeria, and bowed his head at her, she eyed him carefully, and his heart skipped a beat when she growled and leaped at him, baring her teeth, he ducked in the last second and she jumped over him and rushed inside Arya’s tent. The worry and anxiety almost smothered him so as fast as he could, he made his legs do his bidding and take him back to the tent, he heard Arya talking and coaxing with Nymeria, and he leaned in to sneak a peek and he saw her sitting beside her big wolf, and Nymeria licked her face, and then he saw his present laying in her hands. He smiled at the scene before returning to his tent.
He kept fighting, and wherever he turned he couldn’t get a sight of her, only faces on their enemies, he kept slicing them down, he kept killing, and he kept swinging his hammer through the air. The bodies kept falling around him and he felt a mountain build underneath him, a mountain of dead bodies, he kept slipping on their blood, his hands were bloody and gross with human substance, but the enemies ran at him and he kept swinging his hammer, more bodies attended to the mountain at his feet. Until it was quiet, all that was heard was his ragged breath, his arms trembling, and he staggered down the pile of bodies. Searching them of any coins and valuable units. He felt the presence behind him and with a quick move he reached for his hammer and swirled around, he heard the hammer break the ribs of his opponent, and when he finally looked up, he saw her steel gray eyes, filled with pain, surprise, hurt, and anger. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” He screamed his lungs out and reached her body just in time to keep it from colliding to the hard ground. How could this have happened? How could he ever hurt her? He held her body to his chest, feeling the tears streaming down his face, he had broken her ribs which had punctuated her lungs, she couldn’t breathe and yet she was as calm and still as the water. She coughed blood, covering her lower face in crimson red. He kissed her forehead, he let his lips linger at her skin and he felt the life leave her body. He whispered his words for her against her forehead “I love you Arya, it was you and me against the world, why did you leave me? I am so sorry, so sorry, I wish I could take that back, I am so sorry my love. I will always love you my little wolf.”
He felt arms tugging at him, to leave her body behind, and he screamed, he screamed out his sorrow, he screamed for the loss of his love, he screamed for his little wolf, and he screamed his death wish for he did not want to live a human life without her breathing. Everything started to blur into nothing.
He woke up, startled, his heart hammering in his chest, tears streaming down his face and a scream ripping through his throat. He saw some soldiers laying on the ground, and five other knights and soldiers held him down in his bed, all covered in sweat. He saw the opening being lift and she strode inside, the soldiers giving way for her, stopped by his bed. She was beautifully dressed, in a leather somewhat armor, she wanted to move on the field and would not wanted to be restrained by a fully armor. Everything hugged her every curve, and her long hair were uptight with his present. The silver dagger sat in her hair, he had made it to a jewelry, to make it discreet enough for her to wear so she would never go unarmed. It wasn’t fancy with diamonds and other jewels, because it would draw attention, he made it in silver, a bit toned, not to shine so bright, and he had written “It will always be you and me against the world” on it. He had also carved a beautiful pattern into it. Her beautiful face with her flawless skin, shining with a bright shade of red thanks to the cold, her big steel grey eyes met his and spoke many unspoken emotions. He was so taken aback with the sight of her that he missed out on everything else.
“Leave us.”
He fell back on the pillows, too exhausted to rise. He felt her settle beside him on the bed. He closed his eyes and concentrated on his breathing, always aware of her presence, she laid down beside him and rested her head on his chest. The dawn was rising outside the tent and the cold kept slipping through the walls. He pulled the furs closer to them to keep the warmth, and held his arms around her tiny figure. She lifted her head to meet his gaze and he looked away. “What was that about?” Her demanding voice also bore the tones of worry. He let out a heavy sigh and finally met her gaze, her bright orbs had lost their cold shield and he saw true emotions, she only let him see, he saw the sorrow he could not erase, he saw her affection, and the anxiety he could so well remember, he saw her love.
“I had a nightmare, I dreamt that you were killed…” He felt her stiffen beside him and held her more closely to him. “That can happen to everyone Gendry.” She answered with a low voice, free from any emotions, though her face showed him everything he needed to know. “I know… But I didn’t know that I would be the one killing you by mistake. Can’t you see it? This is a mistake, you should not be in this war, and I can’t let you be here, you will be killed, and I can’t lose you.” She wiggled out of his embrace and rose and shot a quick glance at him. “I wasn’t asking you for permission.” Her voice filled with determination and sadness, and once again his heart were surrounded by a cold hand, making him shiver. She left him, and he ran after her, he couldn’t let her go once more. He yanked her back by her arm and embraced her firmly. Letting her feel all his emotions with one touch, he would do everything in his power to let her survive and to shield her from as much harm as he could, even if it would cost him his last breath. She let go of him and went to her tent, they would discuss strategies today, Gendry didn’t feel to be a part of it so he went to the provisional forge they had set up, he picked up his sword and hammer and inspected them carefully, he decided to make some reinforcements on both his weapons. He created a stronger handhold on his hammer, and improved some small damages on both the sword and hammer. He eyed his work and were satisfied with the result. He heard yelling, quickly he picked up his hammer and ran towards the noise, he saw most of the soldiers running with him, and draw their swords. One man hanged around the horse’s neck with an arrow in his back, a piece of paper with it. He recognized the man as one of their own, he saw Arya reading the piece of paper and made his way towards her. He eyed it over her shoulder.
“You have a fancy lot of soldiers, this one screamed like a little girl when we caught him, if the rest are like him, be prepared to be slaughtered, your blood will wet the grounds in the North, and the North will tumble to the ground, every house, every piece of it. Be aware little wolf.”
She felt his posture hovering over her and she knew that he had read the note, she felt the tense radiating from him and he obliviously moved closer to her. The soldiers gathered and took care of their own. She knew what was awaited of her, she needed to motivate her army, not to frighten them. Nymeria howled at her command which made everyone stop dead in their tracks. “The North is not frightened of anything, and nor shall we be frightened by this southern try to take away a man of the North. We will protect our own, and we will be stronger than ever when we push the South back where it belongs!” The crowd cheered at her words but she didn’t felt amused at her own words, she was afraid, she was aware of the powers they have to deal with and knew there would be losses. She walked over and talked to some other men, setting out spies before returning to an open field nearby. She draw Justice with her right hand and held Needle in her left, she moved, using both her swords in her own version of waterdance. She moved with ease, feeling one with her swords, and the ground beneath her feet, her moves were swiftly as a deer and quiet as a shadow. She heard the body before she saw it, his first mistake had been not to be quiet enough, she heard the swing of his sword, and swirled around and blocked it with ease before knocking him down, right between his eyes. The next wasn’t all that easy but with a few blows he were down too, they attacked her four at the time and she felt her limbs grew tired and yet she forced them to move as quickly as before, her enemies wouldn’t stop if she asked because she was tired. She lost the count of time and the sun was setting in the west when they stopped the training, it had been meant to be just a training for her own but the soldiers had joined which she appreciated because they showed a will to fight and survive. She moved to the officer’s tent, she sat down and they discussed back and forth and decided when they got the sign of the Lannisters, they would send out a smaller trop to sneak up behind the Lannisters’ army, she would lead that group and take her best men because of the small number she would take with her to go unnoticed. Her mind battled if Gendry should come with her force or stay in the bigger were he could have bigger protection, she knew her own small army would most likely die, and she wouldn’t want to leave Gendry in her own army because of that but yet she didn’t trust anyone enough to protect him at all costs, without herself.
Min svenska MR Grey
Min svenska MR Grey
Min svenska MR Grey
Min svenska MR Grey
Min svenska MR Grey
Varför?
När det tar slut. - S.
Ja men, det var väl underhållande.
Eller kanske inte.
Jag rycker på axlarna, dricker upp likören,
för allting tar slut.
Men hade du inte insett det förut eller?
Jo, fast ingen kan vara beredd.
Ingen kan förstå.
Att vara kär~redigerad
Att sluta vara kär
Att sluta vara kär
Det var en underbar känsla, bara ditt leende en gång under dagen kunde få mig att le hela dagen lång. Jag såg en pojke under din image, en vacker, underbar, personlig kille. Du seglade in i mitt liv när jag behövde dig som mest och du gav mig en hjälpande hand utan att veta om det. För endast du gav mig en känsla av normalitet i mitt liv av kaos, du fick mig att glömma mitt liv och leva i nuet. Glädjen du gav mig var oändlig och du kunde inte ha kommit vid en bättre tidpunkt. Jag föll pladask för dig och du var allt jag ville ha, det var dig jag gick upp för på Morgonen för jag visste att jag skulle få träffa dig i skolan. Du blev min livräddare när jag mest behövde dig. När du sedan berättade för mig hur läget var klippte du av livlinan. Det kändes som jag hade susat fram av glädje men när du klippte av den snurrade jag förvirrat runt och undrade vart min livsgnista tog vägen. Allt jag levde för försvann. Jag lovade mig själv att aldrig vara beroende av någon så att jag aldrig kan stå på egna ben. Men här är jag nu, jag vinglar fram, känner mig trött för jag måste stå själv utan något att leva för. Ljuset i mitt liv försvann när kärleken försvann. Du finns kvar i mitt liv och är helt oförändrad, för dig har världen inte ändrats men för mig känns det som världen har vänts ut och in och fram och bak. Jag försöker inse att det är världen som är oförändrad det är jag som är förändrad... Jag kämpar för att vara normal för att få behålla dig i mitt liv men jag överanalyserar och är rädd och osäker. Jag vet inte hur långt jag kan gå utan ditt stöd, din glädje som stöttade mig i en månad. Utan att vara tillsammans eller ett par gav du mig all glädje och att vara kär i dig är ett av det bästa jag gjort även om det tog slut innan det hann börja och att det är smärtsamt för mig. Du kom in i mitt liv och räddade mig samtidigt som du slog omkull min värld med sådan kraft att du tog mig med storm. Lika snabbt var den underbara magin och kraften borta och jag försöker leva mitt gråa och trista liv utan att vara kär. Det går inte att jag är kär i dig. Snart har en vecka gått sedan du lät mig veta och jag har fortfarande svårt att se dig som den du är! Jag fortsätter hoppas att det bara ska vara en hemsk mardröm. Jag känner mig helt tom inuti men jag misstänker att jag bara för tillfället har lyckats låsa in alla känslor för dig tack vare chocken jag fick. Jag är rädd att de ska slå tillbaka på mig i full kraft. Mina instinkter säger åt mig att springa ifrån dig för att rädda mitt hjärta från att krossas varje gång jag ser dig men jag älskar dig som en vän och jag vill inte lämna dig! Du var en så viktig del av mig under en månad och jag vill inte riktigt säga ett fullständigt adjö till den delen! Att vara riktigt fullständigt kär i dig var det bästa och mest smärtsamma jag någonsin gjort och framförallt att tvingas att sluta vara kär i dig...
Gabriel and Veronica 1/? - S.
I never really thought about him, until he started noticing me. At first it was a casual hello when we passed each other in the halls, and him asking if I needed a ride. But soon it evolved into more and I realised Gabriel Matthews was more than the rumours said, and that he carried dark secrets. I only hoped he would not find out that I had some secrets of my own.
Chapter 1
I was peacefully lying behind the school reading, resting my back against the pavement. I enjoyed the quietness, but knew it was coming to an end when the school bell rang. I could hear the chairs rattling against the floor and knew the students would come out soon. I stood up, brushing dust from my clothes. I started making my way to school, knowing it would be more quiet inside than out during the breaks. I passed students, some who glared at me, others stared but most of them fortunately didn't pay any attention to me. There were even those who payed so little attention to me that they collided with me and I was pushed to the side. I shoot the laughing girls a death glare but did not say anything.
"Lucky for them I have a headache", I thought. Making my way to my next class. It was history, one subject I really enjoyed, partly because it was interesting, but mostly because the teacher was easy to rest your eyes on. I entered the classroom ready to take my usual seat when I noticed someone was resting their head against his books where I usually sit. Feeling slightly ticked off, I knew I could not start a fight for a silly chair. So I just went to the back of the room, choosing a chair so far away from the blonde haired thief I could. I took out my phone, playing some boring game until he interrupted me.
"Hi Veronica", he said. I looked up and saw that the one stealing my place was no other than Gabriel Matthews. The schools bad boy. I snorted when I thought about his title, but were surprised he knew my name. I looked up at Gabriel and saw him wear a confused expression, probably wondering why I snorted. I nodded at him and then looked down at my phone again.
"What's up?" He continued, now sitting down beside me.
"The ceiling", I said out of reflex.
"Haha", Gabriel answered unamused. I shrugged.
"So, what are you doing?" Gabriel asked again. I sighed and looked at him, he obviously did not see how uninterested I was in having a conversation with him.
"Oh, I don't know, just having the time of my life, you know?"
"That is what all girls say that when I'm with them." I rolled my eyes.
"So what gives me the honor to talk with the almighty Gabriel Matthews?" Gabriel smirked.
"I'm not that great", he said winking at me.
"You got that right", I answered putting my phone away and opening my school book, hoping he would get the point. It looks like he did because Gabriel did not say anything, he just put his feet up on his bench and started whistling. After a short while students started arriving and Gabriel started talking with his friends who seated themself in the surrounding chairs. As soon as the teacher started his lesson I put my earbuds in and pressed play.
The school day passed slowly but eventually it was the end of last period and the students started leaving the building. I took my time collecting my books from class and walking to my locker. I sighed when I closed my locker and started walking outside. The students was still outside, talking with each other and playing around. I noticed Gabriel and his friends getting ready to leave on their motorcycles. I smiled to myself at the cliché of a so called bad boy riding a motorcycle. I walk past them and someone whistle at me. I look back and see Gabriel looking at me.
"Do you need a ride?"
"No thanks", I said still walking. I heard them start their motorcycles and Gabriel started to slowly drive beside me.
"You sure?" I nodded, noticing he did not have a helmet on.
"Suit yourself", he said and drove off. I flipped him the bird behind his back.
I was in the park, laying on a bench watching the stars and chainsmoking. I tried to ignore the cold, and worse, my stomach aching from hunger. I heard a motorcycle coming closer but did not think about it more until I heard it park in the parking lot next to the park. I got up, looking towards the direction of the parking lot. I got ready to hide, not trusting anyone in the middle of the night. When I saw someone coming closer I quickly got up and hid behind some bushes. As he got closer and he was under the streetlight I saw it was Gabriel. But I was not sure, seeing how he was bruised up and bloody. I felt my heart rate pick up. He looked furious, his eyes looked pitch black. Gabriel slumped himself down a bench a couple of metres away from me. I was going to slowly back away and get away from the park but a noise stopped me. It made me go cold, because the sound was heartbreaking. It was a cry from deep within somebody, a cry from someone desperate. I knew it was Gabriel. He covered his face with his hands, and I wondered if he was crying. Suddenly I did not want to go away, but I wanted to make myself seen, and comfort him. I wanted to wrap my arms around the boy crying such a hopeless cry. But I knew it probably would embarrass him, and make him angry. And I thought that he had his friends to comfort him, so I just slowly crept away from the park, leaving Gabriel behind.
The cry had reminded me of something, and my brain was stubbornly trying to make me remember it. But when I got home I brushed my teeth, and went to bed, doing my best to think of anything but whatever my brain wanted me to remember. So I thought about Gabriel, and how broken he had looked in the middle of the night, and how worried I could not deny it had made me. He was always laughing in school, always winning whatever fight he was in. I sighed, knowing I had to sleep because it was already 3 am in the morning. I tossed around in bed, begging sleep to come but my alarm went off and I got up, not having slept at all. I took my clothes from yesterday and just sat on my bed, staring into the wall. I really did not feel like going to school today. And any other day, I would not have hesitated to stay at home, but I knew I had to go to school. I had to see Gabriel, to know if I imagined yesterday, or if it really had happened. Just sitting on my unmade bed, I drifted off into my thoughts. And when I snapped out of it I saw that I was already 20 minutes late. With a sigh I brushed my teeth, and went out of the door. The school was one hour away by walking, but I did not really mind missing out on maths. So I lit a ciggarette, and walked slowly. It was getting colder each day, as it was in the middle of september. I took of my leather jacket, enjoying the refreshing cold weather. I did not hear the motorcycle until it stopped next to me. I kept on walking.
"Do you need a ride?" Gabriel asked. I turned to look at him. Quietly I observed him, wondering where he hid his secrets. I wondered if it was behind his flirtative smile, under his leather jacker, or under his skin. I saw nothing, and it irritated me.
"I know I'm hot, but please try and restrain yourself", he continued. I realised it must have looked weird, me just looking at him and not saying anything. I smiled.
"How could I? You are just so yummy looking", I said. Gabriel looked surprised and I laughed.
"It is not nice to play with someone, you know." I noticed how Gabriel looked me up and down, making a face and I felt slightly ticked of.
"Who said I was playing?" I answered and sat myself behind him, putting my arms around him.
"Well-" Gabriel began but I cut him off.
"Just drive." I pressed myself a little closer to him and Gabriel sent me a smirk over his shoulder and I slapped his head. I rested my head on his back during the ride and reluctantly admitted to myself that I liked the feeling.
When we arrived in school the first lesson had already ended and I was walking to my next class when my math teacher stopped me.
"Hello Veronica, I thought you were feeling ill, as you did not show up for my class today", Mr. Danielsson said.
"I'm feeling better now", I said, shrugging my shoulders.
"That is good to hear, but just know it is alright if you need to stay home and rest a day or two". I smiled at him, genuinely liking the guy. He was kind, never troubling me too much, and I liked his humour. Mr. Danielsson smiled back at me, saying good bye and leaving. I continued walking to my class but could feel someones stares at my back. I turned around, feeling irritated seeing Gabriel and his friends.
"You and the math teacher, huh?" Gabriel asked and gave me a teasing smile. "I did not know you went for the older ones", he continued. His friends laughed. I smiled, and walked up to Gabriel.
"Oh Gabriel", I whispered, leaning into his ear. I heard how he drew in a breath. "You don't know horse-shit about anything." I said putting my foot down hard on his toes. Gabriel cursed and I walked away, trying to assure myself that Gabriel did not know about it, that he had just made a stupid joke. But I had never been one to be easily assured. And instead of going to the next class I walked out of the school. I forgot my jacket in my locker.
As I usually do during evenings I was laying in the park, the only difference being me cursing myself for not having money to buy more cigarettes. I watched the stars, trying to see some pattern, but I only got dizzy. It was cold, and the only sounds was some car driving somewhere, and the wind. I was tired. In all the ways you could possibly imagine. I was tired after crying a whole day, tired of being me, tired of school, and aboslutely sick of doing the same thing every. single. day. I wanted to escape. I wanted someone to come and sweep me off my feet, and get me away from here. I chuckled at myself, wondering how I could still be so naive and selfish after everything.
Nothing changes really,
I think, time pass, people grow older, but life is always the same.
I felt numb. The kind of numb you feel after crying, the devastating kind of numb. I closed my eyes and pressed my hands to my face, to hide from the sky that I was crying again. I was focusing on breathing, and to stop crying so I did not hear someone walking up to me. But then I could feel someones eyes on me. I kept my hands over my face.
"Are you smelling your own hands, or what?" A guy asked. The voice was familiar, but I could not place it. I did not want to look at him though.
"Yeah, they smell like roses", I answer, my voice hoarse. I wince when the guy laughs. It's a loud, carefree laugh. I gather the courage to look at him. And first I can't place him, because it's fairly dark and I did not expect to see him here. But then I see that it's one of Gabriel´s friends. I can't remember his name. The thought of Gabriel make me feel sick.
"This is my park", I say. Feeling angry that Gabriel and his friend disturbs my peace, in the park I see as my home.
"I don't see your name written anywhere", he answers, amused.
"That is because you did not look everywhere", I answer, standing up from the bench. Revealing the text underneath.
"This park belongs to V.R.", he begins, "And I guess V.R. Stands for Veronica Russe?" I'm taken aback at first, wondering how this guys know my last name.
"Yes, you are right. So be a sweetheart and leave now, thanks."
The guy looks like he is deep in thought, and does not answer for a while.
"I have thought about it, and no."
"No?" I ask, confused.
"No." The guy nods.
"It was not up for debate", I say.
"Still, no." They guy sits down on the bench I had been laying on for hours in a row. "It's warm, how loong have you been here, anyway?" I shrug my shoulders and take a good look at him. The guy has brown hair, just a couple of inches taller than me, his clothes are loose and I realize that he is good looking.
"What's your name?" I say, intrigued by this weird boy in my park.
"I'm not telling you", he smirks. I raise an eyebrow.
"Ok", I answer and start walking home. I am tired, and realize that the sun is rising. I can feel the guy walking behind me. Neither of us say anything, he just catches up to me and walk beside me until I can see my house. I stop, and turn to him. He is smiling at me, and it's such a genuine smile that I feel the corners of my mouth twitch.
"This your place?" He asks, and I nod.
"Tell me your name."
"Ok", he says and I wait for him to continue.
"Well?" I ask.
"But if I tell you, I need you to do me a favor", he says. I don't feel up to owing anyone anything, but I'm curious about his name, and what his favor would be, so I nod.
"It's Ben", he smiles, "and the favor I need you to do is to be at the park this coming night again."
"Yes", I say, too tired to ask why, and seeing how I'm always at the park at night, I don't really mind.
"Good night, Benny", I say, walking to my door, waving at him over my shoulder.
"Good night, Veronica!" When I'm in my room, and have switched to my pyjamas, I see Ben still standing outside. He sees me and waves, I wave back and then he starts walking. I fall down into my bed, realizing that I am smiling.
I wake up in the middle of the day, because of some awful noise outside. At first I can't register the sound, but then I realize someone is knocking frequently on the door. I'm upstairs, and alone at home, so I ignore it and get dressed. I text Sandra, a girl in my class, and tell her to tell the teachers I have a nasty headache.
"Ok, take care xoxo" she replies. I smile. Though Sandra and I are not friends, she is a really good girl. As I start my laptop, I notice that the knocking have stopped. But when I look out my window I see Gabriel standing at our gates. He looks at our house, and I look at him. I can't deny that he is handsome, and it makes me angry. Suddenly Gabriel looks up to my window, and I open it. At first none of us say anything. We just look at each other. I understand that I must look horrible, not having brushed my hair, and dressed in my comfortable-stay-at-home-clothes.
"Come to the door", I say after a while, and I lock the window. I brush through my hair fast and put on a sweater, instead of just a t-shirt. I hurry down the stairs and to open the door. Standing face to face, we just look at each other again.
"I need a favor", he says suddenly. Gabriel looks down at his feet, and fiddles with his hands. I didn't take him as a guy to get shy, or embarrassed easily. I think about what he asked. A favor. Again? Just this mornings his friend asked for a favor.
"Yeah, you are not the only one", I muse to myself.
"What do you mean?" I shake my head, and make a gesture for him to step in. I thought that if I saw him I would be angry, but I don't feel any anger at all. I'm just curious about what I could possibly help him with. Gabriel look awkward standing in my hall, not knowing exactly where to look, or even how to stand.
"Do you want anything?", I ask, "Tea, coffee, cookies?"
"I like cookies", Gabriel says and blush. I'm surprised. But I show him to the kitchen, and make ready two glasses of milk, and take out the cookies. As I make everything ready I start to wonder if Gabriel is sick, because the way he acts is not like the Gabriel from school would have acted. We sit down by the kitchen table, and Gabriel start eating cookies. He looks up and meets my eyes, but immediately look down on the table again. I stand up and walk to him, and press a hand to his forehead.
"No fever", I think loudly, "then are you on some kind of drugs, which make you shy?" Gabriel look up at me, and his expression is like a little kid, so genuine and sweet, so I laugh.
"You are so cute", I say between the laughs. Gabriel joins me, and we keep on laughing, though I don't even know what we are laughing at anymore. Gabriel make me feel at ease.
We are sitting by my keyboard. I'm teaching Gabriel how to play "How to save a life" by the fray. It's dark outside, and I know Gabriel has been here a long time. This couple of hours has been joyfilled, and I smile when I look at Gabriel concentrating really hard to play right.
"Gabriel, I am going somewhere tonight, so I think you have to leave", I say. I don't want to go though, I want to be with him.
"I don't believe there could be someone more important than me", Gabriel says but rising nevertheless. I shrug my shoulders, "Well believe it." We go downstairs and get dressed.
"Should I give you a ride?" Gabriel asks and motion to his motorcycle.
"No thank you, I enjoy walking." We stand by his motorcycle and we don't say anything. I really don't feel like letting Gabriel go. It's nice to be around him, and not be so alone all the time. I raise my hand to wave and go to the park, when Gabriel engulf me into a hug. At first I don't respond, surprised. But I feel his heart beating fast and I wrap my arms around him. We stay like that until I tell him I have to go, and wave at him. Feeling happier than I have been for a long time.
Ben doesn't show up in the park. Or maybe he left because I was late. I decide to apologize to him at school tomorrow. I should feel guilty, and I do, but my head is so filled with confusion over how Gabriel acted like today, and worse, bad memories whom doesn't like to be ignored. I decide to go home, and not lay in the park like I usually do. The reason is that I can feel the memories press in my brain, and inside of my chest. They are taking up too much space, so I can hardly breathe, and have a horrible headache. I stumble through the door, collapsing right inside the door. I try to steady my breathing.
"One sheep, two sheep, three sheep", I begin, trying to distract myself from the pain. But the betrayal cuts me so deep, that no sheep in the world could distract me from it. I cover my hands and begin tro cry.
"What wrong with me? I never cry, and now I have cried two days in a row", I think and begin to laugh, me laughing and crying on the same time make it sound crazy, and I probably am. I feel lik the world is crashing around me. And I have no one to hold my world together for me, and I'm too tired, too sad, to get up from the floor and fight.
"How could you!" I say out loud, through my crazy laughter and hopeless sobbing, "How could you? You were my world!" I shut my eyes tightly and hold my breath. "God, please let the morning come fast", I pray. And sometime during the night I fall asleep, with my jacket and shoes still on, right before the unlocked door.
What I loved with sleeping and mornings were that when I was younger and had cried myself to sleep, I would wake up and think that whatever had happened was no big deal. It had changed during time though, and this morning I woke up feeling absolutely like shit, and wonder why people even bother with life. I didn't know what the clock was when I woke up, but the light outside told me it was rather early, and I went to the bathroom and refreshed me, and then headed out for school. But when I come out the door I see Gabriel there, leaning into his motorcycle and smoking. He doesn't look my way, and I allow myself to enjoy the view. He looks like a model. And I'm not even exaggerating. He turn his head and smile when he sees me. I smile back, feeling rather nervous inside. I walk to him.
"Good morning", I whisper, feeling unexplainably nervous.
"Mornin', so, have you fallen for me?" I look up at Gabriel confused. His voice is dark, and sounds cruel. Gabriel must see that I don't understand, so he continues.
"Yeah, I act like a good boy, and act like I care, and people fall for me", he elaborates. I smile, but not out of joy or amusement. But because it's sad how many bad people there is in this world.
"No, I don't swing your way", I say, feeling the welcomed numbness settling down inside of me. Gabriel looks surprised.
"Are you a lesbian?" I shake my head.
"I just don't find a-holes attractive", I say.
I begin to walk to school. And Gabriel drives past me. I feel like throwing my shoe at him. It seems that I slipped up, allowed myself to think that maybe, just maybe, there was a chance I could find someone to love me. Life has taught me not to trust anyone, and still I let myself hope again and again. I tell myself, this person is different, when really, everyone is the same.
Den villkorslösa kärleken. - S Oneshot
Det var mitt i natten och jag gick barfota på det kalla golvet. Jag försökte att smyga mig fram, för att förbli ohörd. Jag visste att nattpersonalen satt och åt mackor i köket vid den här tiden. För att ta sig förbi matsalen måste man gå förbi den. Jag undrade oroligt hur jag skulle kunna ta mig förbi dem osedd. Desto närmare jag kom till köket desto ljusare blev det och jag behövde inte längre gå blind i mörkret. Jag saktade ner mina fotsteg. Jag höll bokstavligen andan när jag gick snabbt förbi köket. Jag stannade till där de inte skulle kunna se mig. Var jag upptäckt? Mitt hjärta slog fort och det kändes som att det lade extra tyngd på ett hjärtslag emellanåt. Efter ett tag inser jag att de inte har sett mig så jag börjar smyga igen. Men då hör jag skrapandet av stolar som flyttar sig över golvet.
”Jag går och tittar till dem”, säger Ivan och jag får panik. Om de märker att jag inte är kvar i rummet, vad händer då? Jag börjar springa till andra sidan av korridoren och springer in i tv-rummet. Jag väntar där ett tag, väntar på fotsteg, tecken på att någon ska komma och tvinga mig tillbaka till sängen. Ingen kommer. Jag kikar ut genom dörren för att se om någon är i korridoren men den är tom. Då springer jag rätt ut genom dörren.
Det är iskallt och mitt i natten. Globen lyser röd och jag hoppar till av att buskagen ger ifrån sig ett prasslande ljud. Jag tar det som varningssignalen att jag måste fortsätta härifrån, så jag är långt borta när de upptäcker att jag inte är kvar. Jag springer så fort och långt att jag får ont i bröstet och andnöd. Jag letar runt efter ett lugnt ställe att vila mig på. Jag ser en parkbänk och borstar undan snön så jag kan sitta. I mörkrets tystnad börjar jag tänka på händelserna som fick mig inlagd på sjukhuset.
Det hade känts som att världen rasade samman runt omkring mig, och under ett bra tag kunde jag inte få luft i lungorna. Det var som att jag glömde hur man gjorde, eller för vilken anledning man andades. Världen hade gått sönder lite varje dag, men det var inte förrän allting kuvade in som jag märkte det. Jag begravdes under ruiner och allt var svärta, syrebrist och trasigt. Jag började försöka distrahera min tomhet som blev kvar efter världen som försvann, och smärtan. Men solskenshistorier och oskyldiga människor skapar en alltför stor kontrast mellan mig och dem, så jag började träffa andra vars världar gått itu. Och vi ville slippa känna vår smärta och ångest för en stund, även om det dödade oss i slutändan. Därför gav vi oss mer smärta, så den fysiska smärtan överträffade den psykiska. Ända sedan världen gick under har jag inte kunnat sluta tänka att det kanske var meningen att vi skulle dö? Kanske hade livet inte mer att erbjuda sådana som oss? Vi, de trasiga.
Jag börjar känna det bekanta trycket i bröstet och jag vet att jag måste sluta tänka på det. Inga fler funderingar, inte fråga varför, bara acceptera att livet blev som det blev. Men stjärnorna lyser på himmelen och vinden viner i trädkronorna och jag vet att det inte går att sluta tänka, eller att sluta känna det som kräver att bli uppmärksammat. Hopplösheten kväver mig och jag får lägga mig i fosterställning på bänken för att hålla ihop mig. Jag ligger där och skakar och gråter och vet att jag inte kan annat än vänta ut det.
Jag vet inte hur lång tid det tar för mig att samla mig men när jag väl reser mig upp känner jag mig stel och känner inte längre kylan. Min mobil vibrerar i mjukisbyxorna men jag vågar inte ta upp den. Jag vet att de har upptäckt att jag inte är kvar, och att det blir handräckning om jag inte kommer tillbaka snart. Men jag vet också att jag inte kan gå tillbaka. Det finns inte längre något alternativ för mig. Går jag tillbaka vet jag att jag inte längre får någon utgång och ångesten gör sig hörd lättare när man inte kan vara ute och försvinna i stadsmullret. Jag börjar gå dit det var meningen att jag skulle gå. Jag ser vildkaniner och buskar, jag hör någon enstaka bil i bakgrunden men ingenting registreras i min hjärna. Jag känner mig avstängd men lugn. Jag vet att det inte finns något annat jag kan göra. Jag kommer fram till bron som jag inte kunnat sluta tänka på sen jag för första gången körde över den. Bara när jag väl står vid broräcket vaknar jag ur min dvala. Jag känner vattnets kyla som känns som tusen knivar i mitt huvud. Jag beslutar mig för att titta på min mobil innan jag gör det.
Mamma
Var är du? Gör inget dumt snälla
Syster yster
Var är du? Jag kommer och hämtar dig
Och jag är inte säker men jag tror det är det sista sms:et som är vändpunkten. Det är anledningen jag behöver för att inte hoppa. Anledningen till att kämpa lite längre.
Syster yster
Gör inget dumt, vi behöver dig, du är en del av oss, du är en del av MIG
Min syster. Min dumma korkade jobbiga storasyster. Hon som bytte blöjor på mig, hon som i två månader har sovit i den andra sängen på sjukhuset. Hon som vägrat släppa mig, även när jag som minst förtjänade någon vid min sida. Min syster, hon som är min mohabitiska Rut, och jag hennes Noomi. Jag skriver att jag är på väg, att jag mår bra. Och att jag älskar dem. Under tiden jag börjar gå börjar det ljusna, och jag tänker på vad Rut sa till Noomi när hon ville att Rut skulle lämna henne.
”Tvinga mig inte att överge dig
och vända tillbaka.
Dit du går, går också jag,
och där du stannar, stannar jag.
Ditt folk är mitt folk,
och din Gud är min Gud.
Där du dör, vill jag dö,
och där vill jag bli begraven.
Herren må göra mig vad som helst -
endast döden skall skilja oss åt.”
När jag kommer tillbaka sjukhuset står min syster vid dörren och jag kramar henne.
”Tack, Rut” viskar jag.
Citat från bibeln, Ruts bok.
