I drop the gray bottle on the floor, all its pink pills in my hand. It's funny how it is such an happy color of pills for something so dark and twisted like angst. Shrugging I down all the pills with water without hesitating. I know what I want.  When my hand is empty I feel a sort of pride, like I finally have accomplished something. I sit down on my bed and close my eyes and wonder whats going to happen now.  Will I die? I ask myself. Who would care? I damn right know that no one is going to care, that's why I'm in this position to begin with. I sigh. I pull my sleeve up and trace the scars with my indexfinger. There is more scars than skin there. I think back at a time when I didn't have to cover my arms in the middle of the scorching summer.

It was a long time ago but though vague I recall it, laughing with my friends and bathing. Wearing my favorite yellow sundress. I was happy then, I think, but happiness is overrated really. It was the summer 2004 and I was like any 13 year old girl. I was in love with what I thought was the love of my life and I had plent of friends. I was all for smiles and jokes. My family and I was close even if I had gotten an attitude, but which teenager doesn't develop an attitude sooner or later?

Feeling rather nauseous I lay down on my bed and close my eyes. I focus on my heartbeat which calmy beats in my chest. I respect how bravely it have fought through every heartbreak it has suffered, but now here we are, 17 years old and ready to give up the fight. We throw in our weapons and raise the white flag. I don't want this no more, I think as tears roll down my cheek.

A brown haired boy comes to my mind, he has frickles and he is laughing. His nose are red from the cold and his hair looks white from all the snowflakes. He cups my cheek with his white hand.

"I love you", he whispers into my ear.

"I love you the most", I say and kiss him. Hesitantly his tounge asks for intrance into my mouth and slightly surprised I permit it. U

naccustomed we let our tounges wrestle for dominance and I can feel his smile against my lips and it makes me happy. It's not quite like in the movies, there is no fireworks erupting in me but it's pleasant and I think to myself that I certainly could get used to this. I'm the one who pulls back the first and his breathing is slightly ragged.

"That was wonderful Conrad", I smile at him.

"Thank you, you were not too bad yourself Mary." Playfully I slap him at his cheek and he laughs. He pulls me down in the snow and straddle my hips and threaten to put snow inside my jacket when he suddenly reach in closer to me. I think he is going to kiss me again when he whispers something while looking away.

"What did you say?" Conrads face reddens.

"Does this mean that you are my girlfriend now, Mary?" He whisper carefully, like he expects me to lash out at him. I too can feel the heat works itself to myself and don't dare to look at him. I nod and he smiles. He leans in even closer to my ear.

"You know what Mary?" He whispers. Shuddering I shake my head.

"My girlfriend is the prettiest girl on earth."

The tears are uncontrollably streaming down my face now. How could it go so wrong? That day four years ago we were happy and in love. If someone would have told me that the kind considerate Conrad would have moved to jerksville I would have laughed. There would be no way that my loving boyfriend would ever change, he would never make fun of me and we would be in love forever. But we weren't. Things and people change, it is inevitable. Slowly over the months we were together Conrad would begin to make mean comments, like I had gained weight and should put on make up to hide my ugly face. He broke me down. Love broke me down. Conrads popularity increased and mine decreased. When we had been together for one year and two months Conrad broke up with me saying this just isn't working anymore, Mary. By that time I was nothing more than a shell of what I used to be. I hid my body in baggy jeans and shirts two sizes two big thinking back at all the times Conrad told me how fat I had become. I started dieting. At first it was nothing really, I stopped eating candy but as the scale on the wave dropped in numbers so did my calories intake. I thought if I ate less and worked out more I would reach my goal weight sooner. Besides, the hunger gave me something else to concentrate on other than Conrad. But I became weaker and hungrier and whenever I ate I wanted to die. I starting cutting and bruising myself as a punsihment for whenever I lost. But the hungrier I became the harder it was to resist eating, which resulted in more cutting and bruising. Before I knew it I was stuck in a dark circle of self harm and anorexia.

None of that matters know, I think feeling faint. It's all too fucking late now. My body feels like it's a feather, all of that weight seems to be gone now. I wonder if I go to hell or heaven, or if those places even exist? I feel numb, my mind is numb, I feel nothing.

This is it, I think, who knew dying would be so peaceful?

Merry fucking christmas everyone, I think as everything fades into black.

Her head threatened with exploading. She breathed in an unfamiliar scent and she tried to remember where she was, but, where exactly was she? Opening her eyes she was met with nothing in particular. Only a ceiling, which looked very much like her own ceiling except it wasn't.

Ah, now I remember,

she thought and looked to her right. Laying beside her in the most utterly comfortable bed was the blond haired man she had bedded with last night. He was sound asleep and her lips twitched. He looked so peaceful in his sleep, like a child. She looked around the room for her clothes and found them tossed all at different places. She slightly blushed when she thought about the animalistic urges that came over her yesterday night. It wasn't like her to follow a stranger home and pracitcally jump his bones. But it was something with the golden haired stranger that made her forget all her boundaries, when her eyes had met his everything had seemed to vanish. Except him. With elegant steps had he walked towards her across the bar and like a gentleman from the victorian era had he kissed her hand. Where he had kissed her and touched her tingles erupted and recognition had filled his eyes. He had looked at her so lovingly, so tenderly and she had never believed in love at first sight until she had met him.

Clothed she stalked towards the bed and gave the beautiful stranger a careful kiss on his lips. The tingles erupted again and the stranger smiled in his sleep. She wanted to stay, oh how she wanted to stay. Her body felt heavy as lead and everything in her told her to curl up against the stranger and lay her head on his chest. She felt like she was supposed to be there, next to him. Breathing in his calming scent, but with the sunrise the reality came. The sun was already up and she knew she had to leave, even when it felt like leaving her own heart.

Don't be silly now Ally,

she reprimanded herself. She had learned that love was nothing more than lust. And lust was quickly extinguished. She turned away from the stranger to leave when she felt a hand grasp her wrist.

"Don't go", he said. "Don't leave me." Slowly she turned around, ready to meet his blue eyes who had sent her body into a frenzy yesterday. But his eyes were closed and except the distressed expression on his face he seemed very much asleep. He was, she understood. Somehow he had in his sleep reached out for her. Her heart melted. Her headache was long forgotten because this stranger seemed to heal her pain, her wounds of the past and he seemed to chase away all her fears. She felt her face redden with her childish thoughts, he was sound asleep and certainly just having a bad dream. He didn't need her, nor did he want her for more than to satisfy his needs in the nights. She was naïve to think otherwise. She should have learned by now, that men were nothing but their anatomy. All they wanted was something to thrust into, they didn't lust for love, the lusted for sex. And she had given this stranger what men craved for the most, her virginity. Her eyes teared up and she quickly pried the stranger hand off of her and turned around again, with hurried steps she ran out of the room not bothering closing the door. She thought she could hear the stiffled sound of a whimper from the room but thought nothing more of it.

Ever since she had left the beautiful stranger she had had a dull pain in her chest, like a part of her was missing. But then again, she thought, I was never whole to begin with. She tried to distract herself to forget the pain in her chest, she painted more than she had done the past three years but the paintings would end up mirroring her pain, and was almost always covered in ash gray, like her world seemed to be. In frustration she threw the paintings across the room, undried paint splattering on the lightblue walls. She sighed, she couldn't denied. She missed him. She wanted to be with him, get lost in his eyes and let go of all the ropes and just love him all the way. But it was hopeless, she hadn't even catched his name, nontheless his phone number. Undressing and taking a towel from the shelf she walked into the shower. She took a cold shower, as to smother the fire her body seemed to be in. Drying herself she knew this had to stop. She had to do something, this night she would go to the same bar she had met the stranger and she would go home with someone.

I'm sure anyone can effect me like he has, he was my first, of course he would seem special. But he isn't, so knock it off, ally.

She didn't braid her hair like she usually would but she let her dark hair curl like it does naturally after showering and put on her red dress that ended on her mid-thighs. She put on a red lipstick and slight mascare, not too much make-up suited her the best. She was momentarily stunned by her reflection when she was done. Even she could see that she looked sensational. Her hair reached down to under her breasts and her long slender legs was to die for. She felt herself straighten.

I don't need him, I can pretty much have anyone I want

, she thought. Her head agreed but her heart kindly reminded her that she wanted no one else. She wanted the blonde haired stranger.

The club was not quite as she remembered, this time it was crowded and people were either thightly wrapped in each others embraces or rubbing themshelves against each other on the dance floor. The atmosphere was bouyant and filled with anticipation. Subconsciously she scanned the bar for the blond haired stranger. But without seeing him she strided to the bar.

"What would you like, miss?" the bartender asked.

"Something strong, thanks", Ally said, not missing the way the bartenders eyes hungrily stared at her perky breasts. She downed the shot that tasted of vodka and something else in one go and asked for another. Tonight she would get wasted, and no responsible side of her would stop her. Downing her third shot she could feel the vodka work its way into her system and she decided it was time to dance. Softly swifting her hips to the sides she walked to the dance floor, she could feel the men hungrily observing her and the women silently loathing her. She raised her arms and let her body follow the rythm like she was the rythm. It didn't take long until she felt someone press against her arms, letting his big hands rest on her waist. Though it didn't feel right and her heart and body told her to tell this stud to piss off she didn't. Instead she thightly pressed against him, purring like a cat when she felt his excitement. The man had turned her around and he was handsome with brown hair and definitely an eight pack beneath the shirt that was thightly pressed against his biceps. They were both leaning in to kiss each other when she heard a loud growl and the man was thrown across the room.

"What are you doing, kitten?" A dark voice huskily whispered into Ally's ear. She shuddered and the hairs on her neck stood up. It was him, she thought, the blonde haired stranger. She turned around to face him and his eyes weren't lightblue like she remembered, they were black.

"I've missed you", she said. She gasped, that was certainly not what she had intended to say. But the strangers expression seemed to soften when she had said it. Her heart fluttered. Who was she fooling? She had missed him, and somehow she had fallen in love with him since the first time she saw him. The stranger leaned in and put his face in the crook of her neck and breathed in her scent.

"You smell marvelous", he said. She felt her heart flutter again.

"What's your name?" she gasped as he trailed feathery kisses from her chin to her collarbone.

"Xander, kitten."

"My name is Ally, not kitten", she said breathlessly. His right hand was dangerously close to her breast and his other hand gripped her hip.

"Get off her, mutt" an angered voice said. Looking behind Xander was the man she had danced with. Ally drew in a breath when she noticed that his eyes were blood red and fangs had elongated. Ally could feel Xanders chest vibrating as he growled threatingly. Xander pushed her behind him.

"Don't come closer bloodsucker" Xander said low.

"Or what? You will turn into a dog and bark at me?" the man taunted. Ally started feeling faint, it must have been the vodka. Men don't grow fangs and they certainly do not growl. But Xander did, and she noticed that his nails and hair grew longer. His hair went from blonde to light brown. Her heartrate was catching up. What was all this? Surely she was imagining. But when the 'bloodsucker' ran at Xander in an inhuman speed she knew she wasn't imagining. With a loud growl Xander sprinted at him and turned into a wolf. Where Xander had stood just a moment ago was now only shredded clothes.

Good Grace,

Ally thought, what is this? Ally turned around and made a run for the exit. At the door she turned around and saw the brown wolf big as a horse tear the 'bloodsucker' apart. And then she took of her high weels and ran for her life.

Ally was panting and leaning her body against a tree with tears in her eyes. She tried to blame it on exhaustion but she knew she was scared. Who wouldn't be? She had just seen the man she was in love with turning into a wolf and possibly killing a vampire. Anyone in their right mind would be freaked by that.

"Kitten.." Ally turned around and saw Xander hesitantly walking closer. He was as naked as a newborn baby.

"Stop! Don't come closer," she shrieked. Xander came to a halt.

"Kitten, let me explain, please I.." His voice sounded hurt, and with his soft expression made him look more like a puppy than a wolf.

"No, just don't! I don't wanna hear it. Leave, or I'll scream bloody murder." Ally tried to sound brave and solid but anyone could have smelt the fear rolling of her. She tried to keep her eyes on the ground, and not on a certain part of Xanders anatomy. But her traitorous eyes drifted a tad higher up and she blushed and quickly hid her eyes. She could hear Xander chuckle.

"It's ok, Kitten, you can look. It's all yours", he said cockily yet sincere. She looked at his face and could see the endearment he felt for her. She knew he meant it, he really was his. And she belonged to him. Her heart had knew it ever since yesterdat night, maybe even before she had laid her eyes on him. They were destined to be together.

"I'm scared, Xander" she whispered. Xander whimpered.

"Of me?" he whined. Ally could see that his blue eyes had darkened again. She understood they darkened when his wolf began to surface.

"Yes, no, I don't know. I'm so confused. What scares me is that I'm not really scared of you at all, it doesn't even bother me that you are a wolf. And that scares me, Xander, it isn't normal to feel this."

"It is for us", Xander said quietly. He had stepped forward without a sound and now he stood centimeters away from her. She could feel the heat his body radiated.

"Us?" she asked bewildered.

"Werewolves, I'm a werewolf. And you are my mate, my soulmate. We only have one, and you are mine." Xander pressed his body againsts hers and her face flushed, she only wore her red dress and he was stark naked. She could feel the tingles where her bare skin touched his. His face was all love. For me, she thought and smiled. Xander smiled too and brushed his lips against hers.

"I'm so lucky to have found you", Xander breathed in her ear. "It's rare to meet your mate this days, most werewolf live without ever meeting their mate and is forced to live forever with an empty feeling in their heart." Xander kissed her neck and a moan slipped past her lips. She could feel him smiling against her skin. He liked her on the side of her neck.

"Kitten, I'm sorry but I can't wait. I have to mark you to keep all the other males away, I should have done it last night already." Ally wasn't sure what he meant but the trusted her, she only nodded. Ally could feel Xanders fangs elongate and bite down in her neck, gasping she closed her eyes and could feel her eyes water. As soon as the pain came in was gone and Xander was gently brushing her tears away.

"I love you, kitten, so much. You make me whole", he whispered in her ear.

"I love you too, Xander", Ally said and Xander gently laid her down on the forestbed and slid his hands up her dress.

 The end