Christmas suicide. - S
I drop the gray bottle on the floor, all its pink pills in my hand. It's funny how it is such an happy color of pills for something so dark and twisted like angst. Shrugging I down all the pills with water without hesitating. I know what I want. When my hand is empty I feel a sort of pride, like I finally have accomplished something. I sit down on my bed and close my eyes and wonder whats going to happen now. Will I die? I ask myself. Who would care? I damn right know that no one is going to care, that's why I'm in this position to begin with. I sigh. I pull my sleeve up and trace the scars with my indexfinger. There is more scars than skin there. I think back at a time when I didn't have to cover my arms in the middle of the scorching summer.
It was a long time ago but though vague I recall it, laughing with my friends and bathing. Wearing my favorite yellow sundress. I was happy then, I think, but happiness is overrated really. It was the summer 2004 and I was like any 13 year old girl. I was in love with what I thought was the love of my life and I had plent of friends. I was all for smiles and jokes. My family and I was close even if I had gotten an attitude, but which teenager doesn't develop an attitude sooner or later?
Feeling rather nauseous I lay down on my bed and close my eyes. I focus on my heartbeat which calmy beats in my chest. I respect how bravely it have fought through every heartbreak it has suffered, but now here we are, 17 years old and ready to give up the fight. We throw in our weapons and raise the white flag. I don't want this no more, I think as tears roll down my cheek.
A brown haired boy comes to my mind, he has frickles and he is laughing. His nose are red from the cold and his hair looks white from all the snowflakes. He cups my cheek with his white hand.
"I love you", he whispers into my ear.
"I love you the most", I say and kiss him. Hesitantly his tounge asks for intrance into my mouth and slightly surprised I permit it. U
naccustomed we let our tounges wrestle for dominance and I can feel his smile against my lips and it makes me happy. It's not quite like in the movies, there is no fireworks erupting in me but it's pleasant and I think to myself that I certainly could get used to this. I'm the one who pulls back the first and his breathing is slightly ragged.
"That was wonderful Conrad", I smile at him.
"Thank you, you were not too bad yourself Mary." Playfully I slap him at his cheek and he laughs. He pulls me down in the snow and straddle my hips and threaten to put snow inside my jacket when he suddenly reach in closer to me. I think he is going to kiss me again when he whispers something while looking away.
"What did you say?" Conrads face reddens.
"Does this mean that you are my girlfriend now, Mary?" He whisper carefully, like he expects me to lash out at him. I too can feel the heat works itself to myself and don't dare to look at him. I nod and he smiles. He leans in even closer to my ear.
"You know what Mary?" He whispers. Shuddering I shake my head.
"My girlfriend is the prettiest girl on earth."
The tears are uncontrollably streaming down my face now. How could it go so wrong? That day four years ago we were happy and in love. If someone would have told me that the kind considerate Conrad would have moved to jerksville I would have laughed. There would be no way that my loving boyfriend would ever change, he would never make fun of me and we would be in love forever. But we weren't. Things and people change, it is inevitable. Slowly over the months we were together Conrad would begin to make mean comments, like I had gained weight and should put on make up to hide my ugly face. He broke me down. Love broke me down. Conrads popularity increased and mine decreased. When we had been together for one year and two months Conrad broke up with me saying this just isn't working anymore, Mary. By that time I was nothing more than a shell of what I used to be. I hid my body in baggy jeans and shirts two sizes two big thinking back at all the times Conrad told me how fat I had become. I started dieting. At first it was nothing really, I stopped eating candy but as the scale on the wave dropped in numbers so did my calories intake. I thought if I ate less and worked out more I would reach my goal weight sooner. Besides, the hunger gave me something else to concentrate on other than Conrad. But I became weaker and hungrier and whenever I ate I wanted to die. I starting cutting and bruising myself as a punsihment for whenever I lost. But the hungrier I became the harder it was to resist eating, which resulted in more cutting and bruising. Before I knew it I was stuck in a dark circle of self harm and anorexia.
None of that matters know, I think feeling faint. It's all too fucking late now. My body feels like it's a feather, all of that weight seems to be gone now. I wonder if I go to hell or heaven, or if those places even exist? I feel numb, my mind is numb, I feel nothing.
This is it, I think, who knew dying would be so peaceful?
Merry fucking christmas everyone, I think as everything fades into black.
