I never really thought about him, until he started noticing me. At first it was a casual hello when we passed each other in the halls, and him asking if I needed a ride. But soon it evolved into more and I realised Gabriel Matthews was more than the rumours said, and that he carried dark secrets. I only hoped he would not find out that I had some secrets of my own.

Chapter 1

I was peacefully lying behind the school reading, resting my back against the pavement. I enjoyed the quietness, but knew it was coming to an end when the school bell rang. I could hear the chairs rattling against the floor and knew the students would come out soon. I stood up, brushing dust from my clothes. I started making my way to school, knowing it would be more quiet inside than out during the breaks. I passed students, some who glared at me, others stared but most of them fortunately didn't pay any attention to me. There were even those who payed so little attention to me that they collided with me and I was pushed to the side. I shoot the laughing girls a death glare but did not say anything.

"Lucky for them I have a headache", I thought. Making my way to my next class. It was history, one subject I really enjoyed, partly because it was interesting, but mostly because the teacher was easy to rest your eyes on. I entered the classroom ready to take my usual seat when I noticed someone was resting their head against his books where I usually sit. Feeling slightly ticked off, I knew I could not start a fight for a silly chair. So I just went to the back of the room, choosing a chair so far away from the blonde haired thief I could. I took out my phone, playing some boring game until he interrupted me.

"Hi Veronica", he said. I looked up and saw that the one stealing my place was no other than Gabriel Matthews. The schools bad boy. I snorted when I thought about his title, but were surprised he knew my name. I looked up at Gabriel and saw him wear a confused expression, probably wondering why I snorted. I nodded at him and then looked down at my phone again.

"What's up?" He continued, now sitting down beside me.

"The ceiling", I said out of reflex.

"Haha", Gabriel answered unamused. I shrugged.

"So, what are you doing?" Gabriel asked again. I sighed and looked at him, he obviously did not see how uninterested I was in having a conversation with him.

"Oh, I don't know, just having the time of my life, you know?"

"That is what all girls say that when I'm with them." I rolled my eyes.

"So what gives me the honor to talk with the almighty Gabriel Matthews?" Gabriel smirked.

"I'm not that great", he said winking at me.

"You got that right", I answered putting my phone away and opening my school book, hoping he would get the point. It looks like he did because Gabriel did not say anything, he just put his feet up on his bench and started whistling. After a short while students started arriving and Gabriel started talking with his friends who seated themself in the surrounding chairs. As soon as the teacher started his lesson I put my earbuds in and pressed play.

The school day passed slowly but eventually it was the end of last period and the students started leaving the building. I took my time collecting my books from class and walking to my locker. I sighed when I closed my locker and started walking outside. The students was still outside, talking with each other and playing around. I noticed Gabriel and his friends getting ready to leave on their motorcycles. I smiled to myself at the cliché of a so called bad boy riding a motorcycle. I walk past them and someone whistle at me. I look back and see Gabriel looking at me.

"Do you need a ride?"

"No thanks", I said still walking. I heard them start their motorcycles and Gabriel started to slowly drive beside me.

"You sure?" I nodded, noticing he did not have a helmet on.

"Suit yourself", he said and drove off. I flipped him the bird behind his back.

I was in the park, laying on a bench watching the stars and chainsmoking. I tried to ignore the cold, and worse, my stomach aching from hunger. I heard a motorcycle coming closer but did not think about it more until I heard it park in the parking lot next to the park. I got up, looking towards the direction of the parking lot. I got ready to hide, not trusting anyone in the middle of the night. When I saw someone coming closer I quickly got up and hid behind some bushes. As he got closer and he was under the streetlight I saw it was Gabriel. But I was not sure, seeing how he was bruised up and bloody. I felt my heart rate pick up. He looked furious, his eyes looked pitch black. Gabriel slumped himself down a bench a couple of metres away from me. I was going to slowly back away and get away from the park but a noise stopped me. It made me go cold, because the sound was heartbreaking. It was a cry from deep within somebody, a cry from someone desperate. I knew it was Gabriel. He covered his face with his hands, and I wondered if he was crying. Suddenly I did not want to go away, but I wanted to make myself seen, and comfort him. I wanted to wrap my arms around the boy crying such a hopeless cry. But I knew it probably would embarrass him, and make him angry. And I thought that he had his friends to comfort him, so I just slowly crept away from the park, leaving Gabriel behind.

The cry had reminded me of something, and my brain was stubbornly trying to make me remember it. But when I got home I brushed my teeth, and went to bed, doing my best to think of anything but whatever my brain wanted me to remember. So I thought about Gabriel, and how broken he had looked in the middle of the night, and how worried I could not deny it had made me. He was always laughing in school, always winning whatever fight he was in. I sighed, knowing I had to sleep because it was already 3 am in the morning. I tossed around in bed, begging sleep to come but my alarm went off and I got up, not having slept at all. I took my clothes from yesterday and just sat on my bed, staring into the wall. I really did not feel like going to school today. And any other day, I would not have hesitated to stay at home, but I knew I had to go to school. I had to see Gabriel, to know if I imagined yesterday, or if it really had happened. Just sitting on my unmade bed, I drifted off into my thoughts. And when I snapped out of it I saw that I was already 20 minutes late. With a sigh I brushed my teeth, and went out of the door. The school was one hour away by walking, but I did not really mind missing out on maths. So I lit a ciggarette, and walked slowly. It was getting colder each day, as it was in the middle of september. I took of my leather jacket, enjoying the refreshing cold weather. I did not hear the motorcycle until it stopped next to me. I kept on walking.

"Do you need a ride?" Gabriel asked. I turned to look at him. Quietly I observed him, wondering where he hid his secrets. I wondered if it was behind his flirtative smile, under his leather jacker, or under his skin. I saw nothing, and it irritated me.

"I know I'm hot, but please try and restrain yourself", he continued. I realised it must have looked weird, me just looking at him and not saying anything. I smiled.

"How could I? You are just so yummy looking", I said. Gabriel looked surprised and I laughed.

"It is not nice to play with someone, you know." I noticed how Gabriel looked me up and down, making a face and I felt slightly ticked of.

"Who said I was playing?" I answered and sat myself behind him, putting my arms around him.

"Well-" Gabriel began but I cut him off.

"Just drive." I pressed myself a little closer to him and Gabriel sent me a smirk over his shoulder and I slapped his head. I rested my head on his back during the ride and reluctantly admitted to myself that I liked the feeling.

When we arrived in school the first lesson had already ended and I was walking to my next class when my math teacher stopped me.

"Hello Veronica, I thought you were feeling ill, as you did not show up for my class today", Mr. Danielsson said.

"I'm feeling better now", I said, shrugging my shoulders.

"That is good to hear, but just know it is alright if you need to stay home and rest a day or two". I smiled at him, genuinely liking the guy. He was kind, never troubling me too much, and I liked his humour. Mr. Danielsson smiled back at me, saying good bye and leaving. I continued walking to my class but could feel someones stares at my back. I turned around, feeling irritated seeing Gabriel and his friends.

"You and the math teacher, huh?" Gabriel asked and gave me a teasing smile. "I did not know you went for the older ones", he continued. His friends laughed. I smiled, and walked up to Gabriel.

"Oh Gabriel", I whispered, leaning into his ear. I heard how he drew in a breath. "You don't know horse-shit about anything." I said putting my foot down hard on his toes. Gabriel cursed and I walked away, trying to assure myself that Gabriel did not know about it, that he had just made a stupid joke. But I had never been one to be easily assured. And instead of going to the next class I walked out of the school. I forgot my jacket in my locker.

As I usually do during evenings I was laying in the park, the only difference being me cursing myself for not having money to buy more cigarettes. I watched the stars, trying to see some pattern, but I only got dizzy. It was cold, and the only sounds was some car driving somewhere, and the wind. I was tired. In all the ways you could possibly imagine. I was tired after crying a whole day, tired of being me, tired of school, and aboslutely sick of doing the same thing every. single. day. I wanted to escape. I wanted someone to come and sweep me off my feet, and get me away from here. I chuckled at myself, wondering how I could still be so naive and selfish after everything.

Nothing changes really,

I think, time pass, people grow older, but life is always the same.

I felt numb. The kind of numb you feel after crying, the devastating kind of numb. I closed my eyes and pressed my hands to my face, to hide from the sky that I was crying again. I was focusing on breathing, and to stop crying so I did not hear someone walking up to me. But then I could feel someones eyes on me. I kept my hands over my face.

"Are you smelling your own hands, or what?" A guy asked. The voice was familiar, but I could not place it. I did not want to look at him though.

"Yeah, they smell like roses", I answer, my voice hoarse. I wince when the guy laughs. It's a loud, carefree laugh. I gather the courage to look at him. And first I can't place him, because it's fairly dark and I did not expect to see him here. But then I see that it's one of Gabriel´s friends. I can't remember his name. The thought of Gabriel make me feel sick.

"This is my park", I say. Feeling angry that Gabriel and his friend disturbs my peace, in the park I see as my home.

"I don't see your name written anywhere", he answers, amused.

"That is because you did not look everywhere", I answer, standing up from the bench. Revealing the text underneath.

"This park belongs to V.R.", he begins, "And I guess V.R. Stands for Veronica Russe?" I'm taken aback at first, wondering how this guys know my last name.

"Yes, you are right. So be a sweetheart and leave now, thanks."

The guy looks like he is deep in thought, and does not answer for a while.

"I have thought about it, and no."

"No?" I ask, confused.

"No." The guy nods.

"It was not up for debate", I say.

"Still, no." They guy sits down on the bench I had been laying on for hours in a row. "It's warm, how loong have you been here, anyway?" I shrug my shoulders and take a good look at him. The guy has brown hair, just a couple of inches taller than me, his clothes are loose and I realize that he is good looking.

"What's your name?" I say, intrigued by this weird boy in my park.

"I'm not telling you", he smirks. I raise an eyebrow.

"Ok", I answer and start walking home. I am tired, and realize that the sun is rising. I can feel the guy walking behind me. Neither of us say anything, he just catches up to me and walk beside me until I can see my house. I stop, and turn to him. He is smiling at me, and it's such a genuine smile that I feel the corners of my mouth twitch.

"This your place?" He asks, and I nod.

"Tell me your name."

"Ok", he says and I wait for him to continue.

"Well?" I ask.

"But if I tell you, I need you to do me a favor", he says. I don't feel up to owing anyone anything, but I'm curious about his name, and what his favor would be, so I nod.

"It's Ben", he smiles, "and the favor I need you to do is to be at the park this coming night again."

"Yes", I say, too tired to ask why, and seeing how I'm always at the park at night, I don't really mind.

"Good night, Benny", I say, walking to my door, waving at him over my shoulder.

"Good night, Veronica!" When I'm in my room, and have switched to my pyjamas, I see Ben still standing outside. He sees me and waves, I wave back and then he starts walking. I fall down into my bed, realizing that I am smiling.

I wake up in the middle of the day, because of some awful noise outside. At first I can't register the sound, but then I realize someone is knocking frequently on the door. I'm upstairs, and alone at home, so I ignore it and get dressed. I text Sandra, a girl in my class, and tell her to tell the teachers I have a nasty headache.

"Ok, take care xoxo" she replies. I smile. Though Sandra and I are not friends, she is a really good girl. As I start my laptop, I notice that the knocking have stopped. But when I look out my window I see Gabriel standing at our gates. He looks at our house, and I look at him. I can't deny that he is handsome, and it makes me angry. Suddenly Gabriel looks up to my window, and I open it. At first none of us say anything. We just look at each other. I understand that I must look horrible, not having brushed my hair, and dressed in my comfortable-stay-at-home-clothes.

"Come to the door", I say after a while, and I lock the window. I brush through my hair fast and put on a sweater, instead of just a t-shirt. I hurry down the stairs and to open the door. Standing face to face, we just look at each other again.

"I need a favor", he says suddenly. Gabriel looks down at his feet, and fiddles with his hands. I didn't take him as a guy to get shy, or embarrassed easily. I think about what he asked. A favor. Again? Just this mornings his friend asked for a favor.

"Yeah, you are not the only one", I muse to myself.

"What do you mean?" I shake my head, and make a gesture for him to step in. I thought that if I saw him I would be angry, but I don't feel any anger at all. I'm just curious about what I could possibly help him with. Gabriel look awkward standing in my hall, not knowing exactly where to look, or even how to stand.

"Do you want anything?", I ask, "Tea, coffee, cookies?"

"I like cookies", Gabriel says and blush. I'm surprised. But I show him to the kitchen, and make ready two glasses of milk, and take out the cookies. As I make everything ready I start to wonder if Gabriel is sick, because the way he acts is not like the Gabriel from school would have acted. We sit down by the kitchen table, and Gabriel start eating cookies. He looks up and meets my eyes, but immediately look down on the table again. I stand up and walk to him, and press a hand to his forehead.

"No fever", I think loudly, "then are you on some kind of drugs, which make you shy?" Gabriel look up at me, and his expression is like a little kid, so genuine and sweet, so I laugh.

"You are so cute", I say between the laughs. Gabriel joins me, and we keep on laughing, though I don't even know what we are laughing at anymore. Gabriel make me feel at ease.

We are sitting by my keyboard. I'm teaching Gabriel how to play "How to save a life" by the fray. It's dark outside, and I know Gabriel has been here a long time. This couple of hours has been joyfilled, and I smile when I look at Gabriel concentrating really hard to play right.

"Gabriel, I am going somewhere tonight, so I think you have to leave", I say. I don't want to go though, I want to be with him.

"I don't believe there could be someone more important than me", Gabriel says but rising nevertheless. I shrug my shoulders, "Well believe it." We go downstairs and get dressed.

"Should I give you a ride?" Gabriel asks and motion to his motorcycle.

"No thank you, I enjoy walking." We stand by his motorcycle and we don't say anything. I really don't feel like letting Gabriel go. It's nice to be around him, and not be so alone all the time. I raise my hand to wave and go to the park, when Gabriel engulf me into a hug. At first I don't respond, surprised. But I feel his heart beating fast and I wrap my arms around him. We stay like that until I tell him I have to go, and wave at him. Feeling happier than I have been for a long time.

Ben doesn't show up in the park. Or maybe he left because I was late. I decide to apologize to him at school tomorrow. I should feel guilty, and I do, but my head is so filled with confusion over how Gabriel acted like today, and worse, bad memories whom doesn't like to be ignored. I decide to go home, and not lay in the park like I usually do. The reason is that I can feel the memories press in my brain, and inside of my chest. They are taking up too much space, so I can hardly breathe, and have a horrible headache. I stumble through the door, collapsing right inside the door. I try to steady my breathing.

"One sheep, two sheep, three sheep", I begin, trying to distract myself from the pain. But the betrayal cuts me so deep, that no sheep in the world could distract me from it. I cover my hands and begin tro cry.

"What wrong with me? I never cry, and now I have cried two days in a row", I think and begin to laugh, me laughing and crying on the same time make it sound crazy, and I probably am. I feel lik the world is crashing around me. And I have no one to hold my world together for me, and I'm too tired, too sad, to get up from the floor and fight.

"How could you!" I say out loud, through my crazy laughter and hopeless sobbing, "How could you? You were my world!"  I shut my eyes tightly and hold my breath. "God, please let the morning come fast", I pray. And sometime during the night I fall asleep, with my jacket and shoes still on, right before the unlocked door.

What I loved with sleeping and mornings were that when I was younger and had cried myself to sleep, I would wake up and think that whatever had happened was no big deal. It had changed during time though, and this morning I woke up feeling absolutely like shit, and wonder why people even bother with life. I didn't know what the clock was when I woke up, but the light outside told me it was rather early, and I went to the bathroom and refreshed me, and then headed out for school. But when I come out the door I see Gabriel there, leaning into his motorcycle and smoking. He doesn't look my way, and I allow myself to enjoy the view. He looks like a model. And I'm not even exaggerating. He turn his head and smile when he sees me. I smile back, feeling rather nervous inside. I walk to him.

"Good morning", I whisper, feeling unexplainably nervous.

"Mornin', so, have you fallen for me?" I look up at Gabriel confused. His voice is dark, and sounds cruel. Gabriel must see that I don't understand, so he continues.

"Yeah, I act like a good boy, and act like I care, and people fall for me", he elaborates. I smile, but not out of joy or amusement. But because it's sad how many bad people there is in this world.

"No, I don't swing your way", I say, feeling the welcomed numbness settling down inside of me. Gabriel looks surprised.

"Are you a lesbian?" I shake my head.

"I just don't find a-holes attractive", I say.

I begin to walk to school. And Gabriel drives past me. I feel like throwing my shoe at him. It seems that I slipped up, allowed myself to think that maybe, just maybe, there was a chance I could find someone to love me. Life has taught me not to trust anyone, and still I let myself hope again and again. I tell myself, this person is different, when really, everyone is the same.