boktjejernamedstil

"One, two three", I count while I hold my breath. My lungs feel like they are exploding and yet I have only held my breath 15 seconds. I give up at 26 seconds, gasping for air. I feel stupid laying there, on the cold floor in the kitchen. I feel worthless for not holding out longer, I should have hold my breath at least 30 seconds. I know I could have. And yet I didn't, I gave up too easily, I always do, and that is why I dig my nails into my arms and drag them across the skin as hard as I can. I need to do it, not because I enjoy hurting myself, but because I need to make myself understand that I can't go on like this. I can't be like this no more. It have to stop. I let myself down and drag others down with me and it's my fault. I need to become better, and I want to, and yet I can't seem to manage something as easy like holding my breath. The feeling of disappointment is suffocating and I curl myself into fetal position on the floor, not knowing what to do. I close my eyes and try to focus solely on the pain, but I barely register it because of the mayhem inside of my head, inside my heart. I bite my arm to stop the screams that is threatening to slip out. It doesn't help. I need air. I need the thoughts to stop. The feelings. It is always like this, the realization of my failures literally knock me of my feet before I can reach out to grab something to hold on to and I fall. I fall deeper down into my pitch black hole, I should stop resisting and let the hole swallow me whole but somehow I can't. Even that I can not do. I'm crying now. Big fat tears slide down my cheeks and I feel like apologising. I want to beg forgiveness for being such a mess, though I know no one is home. I'm sorry for being like this, not enough, always one step behind the others. I'm sorry. I should smash my head down the floor because I know where my thoughts are heading, it only gets worse from this point, but I don't. I open the forbidden door in my brain and as soon as I do, the air is knocked out of me again. I can almost see the hysteria the thoughts is causing me, it's so intense that it's almost tangible. I think about the math test tomorrow, the german homework and how I don't have the energy to do it. How even if I tried, I wouldn't understand it. I think about the children in school, the ones, approximately everybody, who don't understand me. How everyone see me, without actually seeing me. I think about the bruises covering my arms and my legs, how I waited for someone to ask me about them, show that they care, only to realise that they don't. I'm screaming now, not caring the slightest is the neighbours awakes. I punch my clinched fists against my arms. "Die, die die", I think. "Useless shit. Die." I stop when my arms are threatning with falling off but even then it is not enough. I want to explain it, the uselessness I carry inside of me. The self loathing thoughts that are the only ones who understands, but I can't. Even that I can not do.